Anthology of Idiocy VI

Yup, everybody's favourite anthology series is back once more! We kick off this month's edition with an amazon.com review for the Humphrey Bogart starring, Raymond Chandler adaptation The Big Sleep. Regarded as one of the finest pieces of film noir ever made, this movie seems to have few detractors. I did find this one though...:

Aptly named- this was a BIG sleep (Oh ha bloody ha. What a great title. I certainly didn't expect that witticism to come up...)

This movie was appropriately named (Yeah, you've done that bit already), as I kept falling asleep (Do you have narcolepsy?). My sister had to keep waking me up. It made NO sense whatsoever ( I was never ACTUALLY asleep, my sister kept pinching me, so I didn't miss anything (Thanks for clearing that up. But you obviously weren't paying much attention. It's complicated, but it does make sense)). Usually I like to give a breif summary of the plot- the only problem is, there was no plot, so that's hard to do (There was a plot. Marlowe tries to resolve gambling debts for a client, which then leads to him solving a murder. There, done in one sentence.). It was very, very, very boring (In what way was it boring? Because there wasn't giant robots attacking each other every few minutes?). I don't see why these other people who have reviewed it like it so much (Because it's beautifully shot and acted with an engrossing story is part of the reason...), but I know a lot of people who feel the same way I do (Are they your teddy bears?). And I have no idea why this was called the big sleep, truthfully, even my sister, who liked the movie (for whatever reason (It's because she got the brains in the family...)) was stumped (The 'big sleep' is a euphemism for death you moron.). The people who named it were just asking for people to fall asleep! (Oh piss off and jump in a well.) Augh THIS WAS THE MOST BORING 2 HOURS TIME OF MY LIFE (You must have had an exciting life). STAY AWAY FROM THIS MOVIE!!! (Or not) Don't say no one warned you! (But no one warned me!)

Here's a crap review from amazon.co.uk of one of the greatest American films of all time (and a personal favourite to boot), Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver:

You talkin' to me?

A film classic (apparently (No, not 'apparently'. It is. Whether you like it or not is irrelevant, it is regarded by professional critics and filmmakers as a cinema classic.)) about a Vietnam veteran who becomes a taxi driver and then lets himself be broken down by the misery and the meaninglessness of modern society (Pretty much yeah.).

Seen with Year 2000 eyes, »Taxi Driver« does not have a great deal of appeal. It has purely historical value. (What? Are you suggesting that society has stopped being miserable and meaningless? It is as potent now as it ever was. Replace Vietnam with Iraq/Afghanistan and it could have been released half an hour ago.)

The best things you can say about this film is the very beautiful photographing and cameraing, plus that it is interesting to watch very young Robert DeNiro's and even younger Jodie Foster's already then great talents (Well, those are things that are great about it, but there is so much more to be enjoyed here. The story reflects the troubled America of the post-Vietnam era, and the alienation felt by many of the war's protagonists. It also highlights an America that is often forgotten about, the prostitution, racism and gun-culture that make up the underbelly of society. And that's without mentioning Scorsese's direction. How Scorsese failed to get even a nomination at the Oscars while Rocky's director won is a mystery...). You also get glimpses of Harvey Keitel and Jeff Goldblum (Harvey Keitel is indeed in it as a pimp, but where did you  get the idea that Jeff Goldblum was? He isn't. Not even in a cameo.).

Do watch »Taxi Driver«, 'cause it is one of those classics that you have to have seen. But don't expect too much. (I suppose if you don't expect much you will be absolutely blown away, but if you have high expectations they will be more than met. Well, if you have at least half a brain they will be anyway.)

Here's a review for one of America's greatest novels now, Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn:

I do not understand the status of this novel (Really? You don't get that it's superbly written, easy to read and a stand against the racism that was so prevalent at the time of its publication?). Firstly, it's racist, but we know that already (Apparently not. It isn't racist. It is the story of a racist boy, who realizes over the course of the novel that racism is wrong. How is that racist? Some of the characterization of black people can be a little stereotypical, but it can be argued easily that even this was a subversion of the stereotype.). What really gets me is the weird language that one is expected to 'learn' in order to get the story (The 'weird language' is the dialect of the place and time in which it is set. It is one of the very reasons it is held in such high esteem. And it's pretty easy to understand really. I bet you're one of those troglodytes that complain that Shakespeare isn't written in a modern style. Myb ths wld b mr up yr st...). And lets be honest, it is a story for children (That'll be why its studied at Universities then...) with little subtle comment (Little subtle comment? Are you deliberately being a moron, or does it come naturally?) and no depth of character...everyone is 'Twain' (Yup, it's not like Huck Finn changes as he goes on his adventures. No. He stays exactly the same. As does Jim.)! Do not waste your money....buy a Graham Greene novel instead. (What? Graham Greene is also one of the greats of literature, but his and Twain's books are hardly interchangeable. Now fuck off and fall from a pier...)

Well, I hoped you enjoyed that. I shall see you soon!

Anthology of Idiocy IV

Yes, it's that time once more! It's been a while since AoI III so I forgive you if you've committed suicide believing the wait would never end. Of course you would probably find it difficult to read this if you have killed yourself. Unless you're a zombie now, in which case I must find Paul and apologise for disbelieving him when he said we'd cause the zombie apocalypse...

Anyway, back to business. First we have this craptacular review for Martin Scorcese's Shutter Island from Amazon.co.uk:

NOT WHAT WAS EXPECTED FROM WATCHING THE TRAILERS (What, were you expecting the trailer to chart the whole course of the film in 3 minutes and give away the twist?) VERY DISSAPOINTING MOVIE (It would be 'very disappointing' if you were expecting Goodfellas or Raging Bull. If you expected a rather good, watchable film, then your needs would be satiated), MIGHT AS WELL CALL IT "ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST" (Well not really. They are both set in psychiatric hospitals but that's where the similarities end. R.P. McMurphy didn't do any of the things that are depicted in this film. He didn't even wear a fucking ugly tie.) BUT NO WAY IN THE SAME LEAGUE (Most films aren't though, are they. If you only like films at least as good as One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, then you aren't going to enjoy many films).FOR ME A NO NO. (Well at least you seem to realise that this is only your opinion I suppose...) 

Stepping up to the plate now we have this review for the Korean comedy-action movie The Good The Bad The Weird:

There is nothing good (The direction was pretty damn good for a start) or weird in this movie, it is just plain BAD. I recommend not to purchase this movie (Really? I thought that with this 1-star review you would be suggesting that it's the greatest film of all time. Dumbass). There are no funny bits (Oho, there bloody well are. What's not funny about The Weird? He engages in a shoot-out whilst wearing a deep-sea diver's helmet for God's sake!). nor memorable action bits (The aforementioned shootout was pretty special, as was the chase towards the end. And the bit on the train at the start was quite good too. I could do this all day...). The action sequences feels like a drag and they are crap (In what way 'crap'? In that they were shot beautifully, in such a way that you can actually see what's happening?). The actors looks ridiculous in cow-boy costumes (Well one of them was supposed to look ridiculous. He's not called The Weird for nothing you know...). There is no plot in the story (Pretty sure there was you know. What was all that stuff about a map and treasure if it wasn't a plot?). There are many instances where the movie resembles "The good bad and ugly" (Well it was a sort of homage), only difference is this korean movie is bad whereas the original one is very good. (Well there are many differences actually. Most of the setpieces, characters and story for example. And I'm afraid the critics side with me in the 'this film is good' camp.)

Next up we have an Amazon.com review from Frank Miller's first Sin City story A Hard Goodbye. If you don't know, the Sin City tales are a modern interpretation of pulp noir novels. They are generally regarded as well written and drawn pieces of fun. This guy disagrees. And how!:

I usually hate the idea of censorship (I bet you don't...), but this is one work that should definitely be banned (Well I'm glad that we voted you in as our Ultimate Judge of Moral Responsibility this is going to make all of these decisions so much easier...). It contributes nothing (Surely 'entertainment' itself is a valid reason for its existence? Not everything has to change the world) and is filled with mindless violence (No more than many other classic works. The only difference is that this is a comic, thus it is obviously aimed at children. That was sarcasm by the way...). If you enjoyed this book, then there is something wrong with you. (Oh, I see that in addition to your duties as UJMR you are a psychiatrist too. Well I enjoyed it, so I'd better go and check myself into the nearest maximum security hospital for the criminally insane...)

Well I'll be back as soon as I break out of this padded cell...