Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Get it away from me!
Image via pirates wiki

To, ah, 'celebrate' the recent release of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides I thought I'd look over a few reviews for Captain Jack Sparrow's previous adventure, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (don't exactly go for pithy titles do they?). Now when this film was released I refused to see it on account of how shit the previous one was, however I was eventually forced to watch the bloody thing. It was at this point that I realised that I had been wrong! It was far worse than even I had imagined. Sparrow is even more annoying than ever, with Depp's accent still sounding like a yank doing a bad impression of David Bowie. Whilst Knightley and Bloom were, and I had thought this impossible, even more wooden than in the previous two. And the plot? God only knows. Still, PotC:AWE proved to be popular with the general populace, netting nearly a billion dollars. Thus proving once and for all that people are idiots and that I need to be put in charge. Oh, and it was popular on amazon too as these reviews attest:

I found Pirates 3 to be a far more satisfying viewing experience than the previous two films in the trilogy (Really? I mean the first one was alright, the second was garbage but this one is a still steaming dog turd of a movie.). The mood is much darker and grittier than One or Two (But it's ostensibly a family film. Why should being 'darker' be lauded?), apparent from the opening scenes which feature graphic (for a Disney/12 Cert film) mass executions as large numbers of pirates and their associates - including women and children - queue up for the gallows. (Ah, nothing quite like the brutal hanging of children to complete a family night out. Honestly, which brainiac thought that was even remotely appropriate?)
This is followed by an almost surreal voyage beyond "World's End", lots of mysticism and rather less in the way of pirate yo ho ho and silliness that made the first two movies rather cliched (At least the first was fun in places, the second started the move away from that, but this is just grim.). All the characters have their own agendas, everyone is double crossing everyone else (To such an extent that you just stop giving a fuck about them.) and the producers have no qualms about killing off several characters as the movie progresses. (Just a shame I didn't care what happened to any of them. I honestly think I could care more about the fate of a louse in my nether regions than a character in this heap.)

The battle scenes are quite graphic - not particularly bloody or gory, but certainly more violent than before and, again, people die on both sides. (Again, who did Gore Verbinski think he was making this for?)

The Blu-Ray transfer is superb (Well you'd hope so for how much the film cost to make...), crystal clear picture on the Sony PS3 (Don't sully the poor machine with this festering pile of manure. I should phone the RSPCPS3...) to a Hitachi plasma screen. The movie would really have benefited from a DTS soundtrack but the Dolby Digital 5:1 does a fair job. The music score from Hans Zimmer really immerses you in the action and at times is quite moving. 

This is a long film at around 1619 mins (It just never ends! 2001: A Space Odyssey is shorter than this, and that takes you from the birth of mankind through to the creation of a whole new species!) and could probably have benefited from a bit of pruning (Yes. In the same way that Justin Bieber could do with 'a bit' of shooting, or Nixon could have done with 'a bit' of jailing...). However it is a credit to the story (Story? What story? I've read children's novels with a better, tighter plot than this.) and production that things never really flag (They fucking well do! The whole bloody thing is just flag.) and you are not looking at the clock as with some longer movies. (The clock would be far more entertaining though...) 

Buy, Buy, Buy! (If you fancy nearly three hours of grim badly acted, badly directed shite then by all means do as he suggests.)

I hope that this is not a serious review, I really do:

 This is another spectacular film (It isn't. It is staggeringly far from spectacular. I suppose it could be acceptably described as 'spectacularly bad', but that is really the only time that word and this film should be used in the same sentence.), stunning conceptualisation (Using big words doesn't escape the fact you've given an abysmal film 5 stars. It just makes you sound like a prick. A stupid prick.), and great conclusion (Yes, I too felt that the closing credits was the best bit of the film...). Firstly, the incredible conceptual realisation (You're being a prick again.) of Jack Sparrow wandering the Realms of Madness in the Domain of Davey Jones' Locker. This alone is worthy of 4 of the 5 gold stars (That should have been shortened slightly to one sentence. It's more stilted than Orlando Bloom the way you've done it.). The deeper reality (Good God you're a pretentious prick. A pretentious prick that doesn't even have the common decency to be pretentious about good films.) of how lost souls are bound to the corrupted Flying Dutchman is amazingly well done (No it isn't. I don't recall anything 'well done' about the film. At all.). The way the loose ends from the earlier films are sorted out and tied off is masterful (If by 'masterful', you mean stupid and convoluted, then yes!). Bringing in the Calypso Mythos was novel (It was fecking stupid.), and very well done (It was fecking stupid.). And the final twist, involving THE Pirate's Life for one of the lead characters, is really compelling (It was not compelling. Turner had never been more than an annoying plank of wood throughout, so why should I care what happened to him?). This is another worthy example of a "fantasy film for youngsters" for adults (Well it certainly ain't for children. Or adults whose brain cells outnumber their limbs, for that matter). If anyone makes the mistake of thinking the plot is erratic (It is.), then they are obviously a) not paying attention (I was.), and b) expecting modern films to be made for people whose lips move when they read - which this is not (Now look here you little shit, I understood Inception first time around. I class intelligent films such as The Godfather, 2001, Moon, Memento and, hell, Tarkovsky's Solaris among my favourite films. I am much, much smarter than you. This film is shit. The writers made it up as they went along without bothering to check over what they'd already written. Twists don't make a film clever. This is barely above Bay, if that.). Nevertheless it doesn't try to be anything more than outrageously larger-than-life entertainment (Then why does it fail so miserably at even that low target?). There are many levels of humour (None of which are funny), twists (That you stop giving two shits about after the nth one.), and stings (Against characters that it would be kind to describe as two-dimensional.), and, in the main, the sharp witty script (Ha!) which we have come to expect (I already said it was worse than even I thought it would be.). Worth watching again and again. (If you're a masochist.)

And another:

Everyone is saying how bad this film is... (Because it is bad. To show it at Guantanamo Bay would contravene the Geneva Convention it's so bad. Not that the US would care mind you...) but I disagree (Are you a moron, or just deliberately contrary?). I thought it was fantastic (Why? Why would you do this to me?). The special effects are amazing and I didn't find the plot hard to follow at all (It isn't really, it's just stupid. Putting in so many twists merely serves to diminish the impact of the twists. You end up knowing there will be twists, which defies the whole point of the fucking twist! You might as well have not fucking bothered!). I thought it was very easy to follow!

Johnny Depp was superb as always (He can be superb. But not in this. Why Johnny? Why do you agree to shit like this and The Tourist? You can't need the money and surely you get enough offers to keep you occupied doing things that aren't shit? Why can't you go back to being in good films? You were good in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, why can't you be in more things like that? Why Johnny? Why?), and supported by an incredible cast- Jack Davenport, Tom Hollander, Mackenzie Crook, Bill Nighy etc. Even Keira Knightley seeed to have come into her own in this film (Yes it's definitely  this film she became good in. Not her Oscar nominated roles in Pride & Prejudice or Atonement, but his.). The weak link was Orlando Bloom, who did nothing for me except make me cringe every time he opened his mouth (Well we agree there). the real star for me though was Naomie Harris. I just loved her portrayal of Tia Dalma and she stole every scene that she was in. (Was she the one that was borderline-racist? No, not the the Chinese guy who was like Fu Manchu, the woman...)

I thought the ending was very successful (I'd certainly take Knightley's fate, only having to see Bloom every 10 years...). They could have gone for a soppy, 'happily ever after' ending... but they didn't and that really impressed me. It would have ruined the whole thing if they had. (Trust me, the whole thing was already ruined beyond all hope of redemption by then.)

OK... this film is not an intellectual film (I'll say)... but it doesn't pretend to be (That's no excuse.). It's a film you go to see for some lighthearted, swashbuckling fun (Then why, pray tell, is it neither of those things?). That's it. If you go in expecting anything more... you will be disappointed. (I expected less and I was still disappointed...)

Ah what the hell, here's one more:

What can I say? I mean, 3 hours is a BIT long...! (About 3 hours too long if you ask me...) And the storyline falls apart like porridge if you think about it too hard (Or, indeed, if you thin about it quite softly...), but you've got to admit that Johnny Depp's done himself proud (No he hasn't. He's sold his integrity for a bit of dough.) - I don't think I've ever laughed so much! (Children being hanged are hilarious...)

Ok, so POTC 3 is the least funny of the lot (Jack Sparrow only says savvy once!!! (The horror! The horror!)), but it's definately the most epic (Well it certainly meets the length requirement for that tag...). I mean, there's a blooming great whirlpool! (Who needs plot, acting, direction, editing, characterisation or plot when you have a whirlpool? Someone needs to phone the Academy quick!) And there's a sea battle thats acted out with entirely graphic sea! I mean, clever or what?!? (No. The aforementioned Solaris is clever. Inception is clever. Even The Hangover is clever in places. This doesn't get anywhere near.)

I defy you to find a funnier trilogy then Pirates of the Caribbean (Back to the Future.). It's basically impossible! (No it isn't, it took me a few seconds.) OK, there are bits that you get a bit lost in, but WHO CARES!?!? (Me. Because it doesn't know what's happening or why either.) Becuase, quite frankly, it's a laugh, and that's the only thing you want from POTC apart from the WOW-factor of the animations. (But why can't it be more? I like fun films. If they are good. This meets neither of those criteria.)

So get it (No. You can't tell mw what to do.). It's one of my family's favourite and most-watched films! (Your family is stupid then...) I mean, there are a few people who are disappointed (A few? There are loads of us) (so if you're worried you'll be one of them, rent it) BUT YOU'VE GOT TO SEE IT!!! (No you don't. Think what better things you could do with that three hours. Like attaching your scrotum to the back of a drag racer.)

I think that'll do to be honest, but don't worry, I haven't even looked at reviews from amazon.com yet...