Blade Runner Pt.2

Oh God it's so dark. The real world isn't dark...
Image via seenax

Long-time readers may have noticed that I really rather like Sir Ridley Scott's sci-fi-noir masterpiece, Blade Runner. I know I've already done  a post on bad reviews for it, but I had left America's wells of stupidity untapped. But I shall rectify this oversight now!:

I've seen all the versions of this film and, for some reason, really want to like it (If you didn't like it the fist time, then why the fuck did you think any of the other editions would float your boat?). Unfortunately, most of the movie takes place in dark rooms, intended to symbolize, perhaps, a dark future but serves only to underscore the unreality of the film. Any real person going into any of the rooms in this film would open the drapes or turn on a light (Excuse me? All the rooms are dark because it is recall the black & white film of the 1940s/50s noir movies. It doesn't make it any less real. Surely if you're okay with the idea of replicants, you can suspend belief enough to cope with people leaving the lights off? And it's a post apocalyptic-y dystopia, so there might well be little electricity to use on excessive lighting. And it's almost always dark outside, so opening curtains really wouldn't do an awful lot...). It is like the technical director is about 14 years old. (Ironically, I was thinking the same about this review...)

And it is slow, possibly so that we don't miss the product placement. (There isn't that much product placement. And the film travels just as quickly as it needs to. I recommend you stick to Transformers and other Michael Bay movies in future)

I know this is supposed to be noirish, but noir films always clip right along (Actually, quite a few them take as much time to move along as this one. And it's not slow anyway, it merely takes its time). This drones along with a David Lynch obscurity (again, think 14 year old (You realise that David Lynch was not 14 when Eraserhead [his debut] was made don't you? Or are you trying to suggest that Lynch is juvenile? In which case I have four words for you: Elephant Man, and Blue Velvet.)). I think if I were stoned as I watched it I might think it was deep (It's actually pretty deep as it is. What could possibly be more deep than the questioning of humanity, and what makes a human, a human?). But, unfortunately, I wasn't, so I just wish they'd turn the lights on. (Leave the fucking lights alone!)

Here we have another stellar review:

I read that this was the greatest sci-fi movie ever made (It's probably not the greatest sci-fi movie ever, but that's primarily because of 2001: A Space Odyssey). I love sci-fi but this movie sucked (I hate to deal in absolutes, but if you don't appreciate this film in any way, then you clearly don't like sci-fi)! People say it has "intensely packed action" (Well there are  number of action scenes, and the movie is pretty intense, but I would question the overall phrase). It almost put me to sleep (Then more fool you). The themes could have made a good movie (They could have. And did.) but this is a disjointed mess (You're a disjointed fucking mess! Also, this film isn't). It takes place where the sun doesn't shine, literally, and it rains all the time (It's called film noir. It's quite a famous genre/movement. Look it up sometime). Harrison Ford and Rutger Hauer do OK with the script they're given (They do very well with the very good script). The writing and directing are the problem (No they aren't. The direction in particular is an utter joy and comes very close to perfection). It's VERY SLOW! (It isn't bloody slow! It's well paced) Wanna buy my copy? (Nah, I've got my own thanks.) Total Recall and iRobot draw the good points from this movie. Get those instead! (Now, I really like both of those movies. But to put both of them ahead of Blade Runner is pure, grade A bullshit.)

Here's a little bonus, a review from back home in Britain that I missed last time around!:

Utter, utter, utter dross. (Yes. One of the greatest sci-fi films of all time is 'dross'.) One of the worst films I have ever seen (What have you seen? Just Citizen Kane, Casablanca and Seven Samurai? Cause among that company it would be the worst.), clearly only rated so highly by sci-fi nerds and people who want to appear retro cool. (Yes, only nerds and phoneys can like this film. That must be how it gets so praised by almost every professional critic...) The only interesting thing about this film was how you can see the influence it has clearly had on other sci-fi films such as Terminator and Minority Report. (Surely the fact that great filmmakers like James Cameron [well, he was great back then, anyway] and Steven Spielberg were influenced by it would suggest that perhaps you just don't get it. Possibly because you're a witless oaf.)

Well, I shall be back soon with more anger and hate towards the idiots of the world...

Blade Runner

Where are the blades? Image: Videopia

Here is a review of the legendary and highly influential Blade Runner. Be warned, there spoilers are up ahead:

This film I thought was slow and unintresting uninteresting (At least you realise this is just your opinion), the premise of the story is (Oh dear, well it was good while it lasted) non-engaging and unintresting uninteresting (No, in your opinion it is non-engaging and uninteresting, that doesn't make it fact). I found no empathy with felt no empathy for Deckard(Ford)or the other replicant (The point is that you're not sure if Deckard is a replicant. If you cared enough to notice/research that he might be a replicant, surely you must like the film at least a little bit), which I've forgotten her name cos it's not important(Young) (Her name's Rachael. And it is quite important. She's a central character after all. Her fabricated memories are crucial to the Deckard's a replicant argument, but his love for her could mean he his human. Obviously, all of this went sailing over your head though) or any of the replicants (Well the replicants are murderers, so that's not unusual) I fell asleep twice watching it (And yet you wonder why you felt no empathy for the characters? Maybe you missed much of their development. Besides that, though, why the fuck are you reviewing a film you missed much of? Fool). The cinematography and special effects are good but I don't want to watch a film called Blade Runner for the Cinematography (Why not? Where you expecting Harrison Ford to be literally running on blades? Or are you a snob who feels that anything sci-fi is immediately trash?). The story is the important thing (It's a good thing that the story is strong with more layers than an onion, then). I understand it's supposed to be similar to a science fiction, film noir/detective story (It isn't 'similar' to these, it is science fiction, film noir and a detective story), but there is no mystery to solve (Not all noir's and detective stories are whodunnits you know. And besides, there is. The mystery is wether Deckard is, or is not, a replicant) and it doesn't move it is too slow. (This, I feel duty-bound to point out, is your opinion. Not fact)

And here we go again:

As the other reviews are all in awe of this film and would marry it if it were a woman (There's no need to be offensive to your betters), for non-cult following types it is not a must see or buy film (It is a must-see film for anyone who is interested in films in general. Most sci-fi films that have come after owe much to Blade Runner. As do many other films), it is a film for science fiction geeks not for people who want to be entertained for 2 hours (Maybe it's just not for you? You can't presume that someone who is not a 'geek' will not like this film. In fact I know people who ate sci-fi who love this film). The film is too contrived (How? And where did you explain this in the main body of the review. You can't just mention it in passing and expect people to just take your word for it) and the package is too much (Then why, for God's sake, did you buy the 5-disc set with all of the versions in?). For a fan yes buy it (Well that's who the 5-disc box was aimed at, not people who hate the thing) but do not buy this version if you just want to see the film, buy or rent the "director's cut". (Or the superior Final Cut)

I hate people...