London Calling by The Clash

Best. Album art. Ever.

Sorry for the big gap in the posts, but I've been busy wrestling bears and wolves. Or exams and essays. Whichever you believe... But anyway, here's a fairly long one to make up for it.

The Clash's 1979 third album, London Calling, is considered by almost all as one of the finest records ever committed to plastic. Put at number eight in Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Albums of All Time in 2003, as well as the same magazine's 1989 poll for the best album of the 1980s (despite having been released in December 1979) whilst Q magazine named it as the number 4 british album in 1999. However, the strength of songs such as London Calling, The Guns of Brixton, Brand New Cadillac and pretty much all the remaining 16 tracks, failed to touch these reviewers from amazon.co.uk:

I would love someone to explain to me the appeal of this album (Get in touch with any major rock critic, I'm sure they'd be very obliging). Its not bad, just deeply mediocre (I, personally, would say that 'mediocre' was worse than 'bad'. But whatever, this album is neither.).Another reviewer has compared it to pub-rock, which is accurate (Well, Joe Strummer started out in pub-rock band the 101ers, but this so much more than that. A pub-rock album would never have so many diverse elements that compliment each other so well). I live near a church hall where local bands practise. Many of them are as good as this, honestly! (Then the record labels need to get down there right quick! Clearly there are some of the best bands ever in that church...)
Presumably you had to be there, and if you were, it's your own past you are listening to, not this dull music. (I wasn't there - I was born nearly a full decade after this was released - but feel it be one of the very best records in my sizable collection. How would you explain that?) 

And let's have a look at another:

amount of tracks:12 (Actually there are 19 tracks. Lord only knows where you've got 12 from...);   excellent:0;    v.good:0;    good:0;    fair:2;    poor:10 (These are your opinions I suppose, but what of the other 7? Did you find them so bad that they did not even register?)

i wrote a review of this before but it mysteriously vanished. maybe it got some complaints and amazon, in their wisdom, took it offline? (Don't you think that's a little paranoid?) ok - i'll try another, without resorting to inflammatory content(!), hard as it may be (How about you don't go around knocking one of the best albums ever made then...). here goes. 

this album? well, just like all this bands albums, this is spineless,tinny and pretensious fare (That's not how you spell pretentious... And it isn't pretentious anyway. Just because it is political and musically diverse does not make it pretentious. You thinking it does makes you a moron though). a hopeless mish-mash of cod-white boy reggae (Not really. I think white people are allowed to play reggae. We did steal black people's music after all... Oh, and reggae was influenced by 'white' music in the first place), godawful attempts at rockabilly (And yet, everyone else thinks quite highly of their 'attempts', I wonder why...), hints of doo-wop (So? What's your point? That it isn't pure punk? Cause punk was dead by 1979. Quite frankly, it was dead by 1977. Certainly it died by '78 and the explosion of The Sex Pistols).the majority of the time its just pop (If you think The Guns of Brixton is 'pop' then you need your head examined). but its not even good pop (It isn't bloody pop at all!). its pop-punk by numbers (Oh fuck off now. I've grown bored of your stupidity). the kind of stuff that jonathan king mightve come up with as a punk joke! at no time whatsoever does this album ROCK (London Calling? Brand New Cadillac? Spanish Bombs? They all 'ROCK'). and as for punk, well this has none of the attitude,power or sincerity of real punk albums (Several things. First, this is real punk. Punk was a varied genre to start off with, including the likes of Buzzcocks and The Pretenders alongside the hard, fast and angry lot. Second, if you think this was insincere and without attitude or power then you are either deaf or a fuckwit.) like offerings from the pistols,the damned,the adverts,sham etc. (Well, by the release of this album the Pistols had been killed by America and John Lydon had formed the even less punk Public Image Ltd., The Damned had started to move away into goth-rock, The Adverts had broken up and Sham 69 were about to do the same. So what else would you expect The Clash to do? Stagnate playing the same old stuff?) fact none of their albums do. (Right. Are you saying that White Riot isn't a punk song? Because that is literally the most ridiculous thing I've heard in hours.) and why? because the clash were always pretenders (No they weren't. They were crucial members of the movement. Always will be.). middle class art school (I think the whole point of punk was the destruction of class boundaries and prejudice. So really, you're an awful punk.) pub rockers who jumped on the bandwagon (Yeah, because The Sex Pistols came up with the whole genre alone, they weren't heavily influenced by The Ramones, Patti Smith or Richard Hell... They certainly didn't start because Malcolm McLaren set them up and dressed them to sell clothes in his shop...) and declared themselves as the 'peoples band' (I think other people claimed that of them first...) - and the people bought it! just like they bought u2 and oasis (What's that got to do with the price of cheese?)! talk about the great rock and roll swindle! this band WAS it. (Oh sod off.)

i say it again. weedy (It's not), tinny (Maybe this all stems from you having some crap headphones...), passionless (It's not fucking passionless you bastard motherfucker!), souless (Or that you cunting cunt!) dirge (Please toddle off this mortal coil now...) from one of the most over-rated bands of all (Who would you put alongside them? The Beatles? The Rolling Stones? The Beach Boys? You're the kind of cunt who would think those things...). they dont deserve the place in punk history that journalists and the public alike heap on them (But they do. It's a provable fact that they were instrumental to the evolution of rock in the last 30 years.). wake up! (I'd like it if you didn't. Ever.)

Here's a couple of reviews from across the pond in Amazon.com land:

I bought this after reading all the raves below - "Greatest rock album ever," Rolling Stone's Album of the Decade, etc. etc.... (Well it was named best album of the decade. I mentioned it just up there ☝ Surely that would make you think that maybe it's just you, not the album...) now I remember why I never bought it when it first came out (Because you're an idiot? That's my suggestion. My excuse is that I wasn't born...). Half of it is cruise ship in hell reggae (Only a couple of songs are actual reggae. Some of the others use the off-beat rhythmic style [known as the skank] but so do lots of genres and bands.). There's no real tension in the songs (like on the best ones from their first album) (I hate to keep mentioning it but Brixton...), and Joe Strummer is one of the worst singers in the history of recorded music (On technical ability, I suppose he's not going to be at the top of the list. But there is allot more to singers than that. There's heart and soul, for example, which Strummer has in spades. In a technical level Bob Dylan can't sing. Doesn't stop him being perhaps the most important artist in musical history.). Kids- this is what smoking will do to you! (Become a legendary frontman for a legendary band? I should take up smoking...) Throw in the Clash's usual muddled politics (They're pretty straight-forward really...) and you've got an undigestible messy sprawl of a double album set that really should have been whittled down to a single album (So that'll be why infamous critic Robert Christgau said it was "the best double-LP since Exile on Main Street then...). There were so many great English bands during the period (Yeah. And The Clash were the best of them...)- Sex Pistols, Wire, Buzzcocks, X-Ray Spex, XTC, Elvis Costello, Pretenders... and yet the Clash made it bigger than any of them in America. I'll never understand it. (Because you haven't got two brain cells to rub together.)

And another:

blink 182? good charlotte? the clash? (Never. EVER. Let me catch you likening The Clash to Blink-182 or Good Charlotte ever again. If you do I'll put you're head in the wall. And then I'll stick my Hi-Fi so far up your arse that the speakers will be in your ears. All you'll 'get' is Strummer, Jones, Simonon and Headon for the rest of your days. You'll either hear their brilliance or hang yourself from the rafters of your parents basement with a noose fashioned from Clash t-shirts that I will gift to you for just this purpose.)

isnt it all the same 3 chord pop nonsense (No. The Clash actually used quite a few chords. And they brought various genres to the ears of many who had never strayed out of rock, such as reggae and dub. Oh, and The Clash were intelligent men with intelligent things to say in their music.)

fashioncore mall pansys with hot topic gift cards (What the fuck does that even mean?)

 And one last one, I'll try to stay calm after that last one...:

Sorry, boys and girls - London Calling isn't punk and it isn't very interesting, either (Actually, as I've already mentioned more than once, this album is punk. Just not your idea of punk. And how is it not interesting? It crosses into about five different genres for Pete's sake.). Clash's first album, Janie Jones, Clash City Rockers, Career Opportunities - now that's the real deal, along with Never Mind the Bollocks, Ramones, Richard Hell, the Strangler's Black and White, and the Buzzcocks (THINGS MOVE ON! Why can you people not get that?). London Calling gets one star for the title track, especially Strummer's rooster crowing - now that's incendiary and revolutionary, carefree, wild, young and sexy (London Calling is a very good track. But many of the others are too). The rest of this is basically folk music with electric guitars, the Grateful Dead of post-Punk, like a bunch of old men playing (You do realise that The Grateful Dead are a really good band, right? And yes, this is post-punk in some ways. But it isn't terribly folk-y.). Sandinista is even worse, what a chore it is to labor through that record (That, I must confess, is an album I'm yet to pick up. But I heard pretty good things...). Anybody who takes themselves so seriously they can record and release Spanish Bombs is a bore (Yeah. How dare they try and tackle serious issues... You certainly wouldn't have caught them doing that on their debut...). While the Clash were busy as the house band for Vanessa Redgrave and her unilateral nuclear disarmament rallies, the English voter went out and voted for Thatcher and John Major (Are you trying to blame The Clash for Thatcher? Because that's more than a little bit silly... And The Clash had separated by the time Major was voted in). So much for "the only band that matters!" (Just because politicians they didn't like were elected, doesn't make them unimportant) For some real post-punk with real Punk energy: the Jam's Sound Affects (I like Sound Affects, but it really isn't in the same league as London Calling). I'll stick with Janie. (You do that. And I'll enjoy an all-time classic and laugh derisively at you.)

See, I was calmer that time... But I'd best be off, though we shall do our best to keep the gap down next time... 

American Idiot

Image via alexgpr

Now, as I said when doing The Doors, I try to leave music reviews alone what with music being very subjective and all. However, the number of people moaning about this album proved too good. Apparently angry 'punks' do not make good reviewers. These are from amazon.co.uk:

ok im gonna put this str8 (You're writing on Amazon for God's sake. Use the actual word.), no1 (Ditto) here who's given this album above 3 stars doesnt know anything about music (Excuse me? I like it. I own over 300 physical CDs and have 1117 songs. I think it's fair to say I know at least something about music...) the fact is if u want proper punk (Maybe somebody doesn't want punk?) turn 2 classic album Ixnay On The Hombre by the offpsring, or amazing ACTUAL punk bands like The Distillers, Bad Religion or Anti-Flag or even earlier albums dookie, warning or isonamic by greenday (I thnk you'll find that it's Green Day. And they are good albums/bands, but so is this.) then you'll realize what proper punk is (Nowhere on the album does it say it is punk. Are bands not allowed to evolve in your narrow world?)

i hope you take my advice an dont waste your money on this album its absolutely poor (In your opinion it is poor. In my opinion it is very good. In most rock critic's opinions it is good too, coincidentally...)

Here's another:

I have always liked Green Day until now (I suppose that's your decision. But don't expect Billie Joe Armstrong and co. to cry themselves to sleep about it or anything...). There old stuff like "Basket Case", "When I Come Around" and "Time Of Your Life" is brilliant (It is) but this album is no where near that good (Here I would disagree. Their newer stuff is more mature, and Armstrong's songwriting is much stronger than previous albums.). Green Day have become to big and popular to be good (That's just bullshit. Lots of bands have been popular and released very good albums. Pink Floyd became very popular after Dark Side of the Moon and still released superb albums for years). Everyone likes them now even if they have never heard anything more than amarican idiot (That's allowed you know. Green Day aren't exclusively yours.). There are only two O.Kish song which are "Holiday" and "When September Ends" (And much of the rest of the album)

Don't buy this album (Or give some tracks a listen on youtube and make up your own mind.)

If your a true Green Day fan you would agree with me and buy some older green day! (Actually if you were a 'true' GD fan, you would see what they were doing with this album. Also a 'true' fan would surely already have their old stuff...)

And here come the inevitable American reviews...:

I am really tired of hearing these 12 barre, 3 chord, pseudo intellectual "social commentary" tunes every time I turn on the radio (Well don't turn on the radio?). That Billie Joe Armstrong is so full of $h.it shit, he doesn't know anything about the social issues he sings about (And you know this how?). He is nothing more than a bratty, suburban former juvenile delinquent who dropped out before he even made it to high school (Actually he went to two High Schools before dropping out...)! This moron can barely even read (He can read pretty well I suspect. Did you only learn to read in High School? Because I could read adult novels by the time I was 10...), yet he thinks he has the right to tell other people what to think about politics? (The basic human right of Free Speech? He can say whatever he likes)

Billy Joe has no political background what so ever (If you mean he hasn't been a Senator, then no. But it's every person's right to criticise their government. Political history or not). All he has in fact, is the mind of a 10 year old! (I see. I doubt that to be honest...) Green Day is famous for smashing their guitars (Well The Who did that, are you going to say that they're 10 as well? Actually you probably would...), mooning the audiance audience, etc (Just because they do some childish things doesn't make them stupid. Maybe they just like having fun.). I remember Green Day playing in my hometown in 1996, and this j@ck@$$ jackass came out on the stage completely naked (Oh the horror! I think we're really getting into some pschological issues here...)! I mean how immature and childish can you get? (More childish than that. He doesn't speak in baby talk...) Hey Billy Billie, newsflash! You're in your 30s! When are you going to stop being a juvenile delinquent and start acting like a grown man? (Erm, he's actually not doing those sorts of things anymore.) There's nothing more pathetic than an adult that thinks he's still 9 (He doesn't.). And how about the brilliant lyrics he wrote in the 90s (I see. You're using songs he wrote 10 years prior, to prove that he's still immature? Really? You see nothing stupid about that at all?): 

Bite my lip and close my eyes 

Take me away to paradise 

I'm so d@mn damn bored I'm going blind and I smell like $h.it 

Or 

Pressure cooker pick my brain and tell me I'm insane 

I'm so f.*cking fucking happy I could cry 

Every joke can have its truth and now the jokes on you 

I never knew I was such a funny guy. 

He spent over a decade putting out trash like that, and now all of a sudden he comes out with this epic concept album about the evils of the Bush administration? I'm sorry, but I'm just not buying it (Maybe he got older? People do that you know.). The only reason Green Day put out a political album is because that's what sells right now (Or maybe he believes it? He certainly seems to be speaking with conviction whenever I've seen interviews with him...). If you buy into Green Day's insincere political propaganda, than you are a fool! (Or maybe you're just a moron who can't let go of the past. Who knows.) Anybody with an IQ over 70 should realise that juvenile delinquents shouldn't make political statements. (Two things. He was never a juvenile delinquent. And, even if he was, he is no longer one. You just refuse to accept it.)

It took me a while, but I found them...:

I've already heard the song "Amercian Idiot" before this album was released (What do you want? A fucking medal?). I used to like Green Day at one point, but now they're nothing but arogant "hippies" (Yes that's right, we have a genuine American Idiot!). In other words, I'm sick and tired of these bands preaching their political speeches in their concerts (this includes Incubus, Dave Matthews, Eddie Vedder, and those I forgot, you know who you are) (You realise that politics has always been a part of music, right? What am I saying. Of course you don't). After all, don't we go to concerts to hear their music?!? (And you get it too.) Save your political speeches for conventions (But maybe they want to get their message out to everyone. If you didn't want more of these albums then you probably shouldn't have voted that moron into power. Twice.). I am boycotting this band and others that I've mentioned (I'm sure they'll be so very upset to hear that). Put a lid on it. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS!!! (Green Day didn't criticise the troops or America. Just the rednecks...)

And here's another:

I think that this album is extremely offensive (Then I must presume that you are an intolerant, homophobic, racist redneck. Because that is who American Idiot is targeted at.). Calling Americans idiots because they support their country is idiotic in itself (That wasn't what the song or alum was saying at all). They supported Kerry who would have put his tail between his legs and ran away from the terrorists if he would have won the election (Yes because Bush is so much better. At least Kerry would know where the terrorists come from. Bush couldn't tell you where Canada is.). As for the Agitator who is supporting Skinny Puppy don't listen to him because that band staged a mock assassination of the president during their live shows and did a fake beheading absolutely sickening (Oh, those Canadians...). And look at what the Agitator is saying about it in one of his reviews (You're not really supposed to talk about other reviews in your own review). He says they have balls for doing it. People who do suck idiotic things aren't brave. They're cowards. Don't give any of these bands your hard earned money. (Please buy all their records. Just to annoy this guy if nothing else...)

Here's an in-depth review for us all:

Can't see past the title (So you haven't even listened to it?)

"American Idiot", eh? Well, this American Patriot has seen enough. One star. (You can't review an album, based on the title alone. What are you? An idiot? An American Idiot? Yes. I think you are. For all you know the song could have been complaining about Americans hating America.)

One more:

Another Good Band Bites the Liberal Dust (I think the title says all really)

Well, there goes Green Day. There is ONE good song on this CD, and it's Boulevard of Broken Dreams (It is a good song, I'll give you that). The rest of the CD? Not even commenting. It's driven by a hatred of conservative values (Well, as far as values go, they're pretty hatable aren't they?) as well as a hatred of our great President, George W. Bush (Bush? Great? What parallel universe are you from? He will, without doubt, go down in history as one of the worst Presidents of all time. He did almost nothing good or right in 8 years!). This ends up being the cd, as well as Green Day's undoing. Yes, I've heard this whole CD, and it's horrible (As horrible as Bush's Presidency?). Will I buy it? No. (I'm sure they're all so upset.) I'll just download Boulevard of Broken Dreams, thank you very much. (That's fine. It's your loss.)

Just one last thing. To all those people naming underground/little-known punk bands as far more political and edgy etc. Which will have a greater effect on the minds of the masses? An album heard by a few hundred people, all of whom share the political beliefs of the band. Or, the one that sells 14 million worldwide, where many who buy don't share the political views? Do the maths people.
I think I'll leave it there. Though since there are 366 one star reviews on Amazon.com it's fair to say that we may well be back... 

The Doors

Jim Morrison. A total weenie?

Now I usually let reviews of albums and the like alone, since music is such a personal thing. However, if people are going to come out and lay into classic, seminal albums by legendary bands such as The Doors, in really shit ways, then I really have no choice but to mock them. Let's start with this 'review' for their first, self-titled album:

...Look, I grew up in the Midwest in the 1970s and '80s and I heard a lot of this junk growing up (I hope you are going to expand on this accusation of 'junk' in a clear, well-reasoned argument that will engage all Doors fans in a well-intentioned debate over the merits of this band. I'm not confident...), both from musical mentors and on "classic rock" radio (Maybe, as 'mentors' and radio DJs, they just know better than you?) and I am SO HEARTILY SICK OF JIM MORRISON AND THE DOORS (Well, I think with that moronic statement, we can be sure that what little hope there was of an intelligent debate has just been beaten to death with a 2 by 4 covered in jagged nails). The guy was such a total weenie (Weenie? You're actually going to call him that? What are you, 5? He's just lighting intelligent debate's corpse on fire now...). Since when is getting so drunk that you fall of the stage a great moral virtue? (Two things. First, I'm not altogether sure that he ever did actually fall off the stage whilst drunk. And secondly, no-one ever suggested that Morrison was a good role model. And anyway, it's not like any other rock star hasn't done things like that. It's really just par for the course) And what a preening, self-centered gasbag! (Again, he was a rock & roll frontman, is there any other kind? Except he wasn't a gasbag, he was actually pretty damned intelligent, you should try watching a few interviews with him on youtube)

Of all the great hippie-era 'Sixties bands, the Doors are perhaps the least deserving of their legendary status... (I see, this would be because...? They were only one of the most important rock bands of the late 60s. They summed up the failure and jading of the hippies and their movement.) They had a couple of volcanic, primal early hits (Ah! The ones that would be on this album. You know, the one that you're supposedly reviewing.) but the Doors catalog as a whole is so boring and bloated (If you don't like this kind of music, then fine, but don't try to deny their importance or their musical ability). Skip ahead to 1976 and crank up the Ramones: now *that's* real rock rebellion! (I like the Ramones, but to suggest that they were better than The Doors is just silly. They are completely different. And, if we were looking at it objectively, the Ramones are remembered only for their impact, rather than for their brilliance. Their songs are petty samey and incredibly basic. Also, you complain that Morrison was drunk, but turn a blind eye to the heroin and alcohol consumed in copious amounts by all the Ramones?) (Axton)

And here's one for their 1970 album (and personal favourite) Morrison Hotel/Hard Rock Cafe:

"Well I Woke Up This Morning, and I Got Myself a Beer". To the common working man that lyric probably ranks up there with the Holy of Holies (Ah, good old classist remarks. You, as a member of the affluent, intelligent middle are far more intelligent than those beer-swilling plebs, eh?). I know in middle, and high school it was recited at least once a day (Oh no! Not every day! However did you cope?). I found it very unispiring uninspiring (I see, so if you find one lyric uninspiring, it makes the whole band's output worthless?). This whole album was uninspiring as The Doors pretty much fell flat on thier butts after the first album (Well, myself and almost every major critic would disagree. The previous couple weren't as imaginative as their debut. But this was their return to the very best.). This was rock bottom. The only good song that came from here was "Waiting For The Sun" (What about Peace Frog, or Roadhouse Blues, some of their most popular songs?). "Roadhouse Blues" has a good riff, but the rest is stupid (Hardly. If it was so rubbish, why have so many bands decided it was so good they wanted to cover it.), and "Blue Sunday" is so downhearted that it makes me want to kill myself (Not all music has to be cheery you know. Music reflects what the author was feeling at the time. When writing that song, Morrison wasn't happy, therefore neither is that song. I quite like it personally...). The rest is inept at best (You're an idiot. I'm sorry, but you are. It is not in ay way 'inept'.). Obvious Morrison was preoccupied with his trial that he forgot to make inspiring music (That was a really shit sentence. And it's contents was bullshit too.).

And let's finish this up with a review of the follow-up to Morrison... and fellow critical darling, L.A. Woman:

This album is so bad, it's almost worth owning (It is worth owning. Because it's so good.). Track after plodding track astonishes (Remove the word 'plodding' and then I would agree). When I listen to this album, I feel intensely sorry for the other members of The Doors (Why? Because they would earn lots of money from this album? Or because they would lose their leader shortly after?). An obviously inebriated Jimbo sounds like he couldn't decide whether to throw up or to go to sleep, so instead he went to the studio and cut some tracks (That's just the way his voice sounds.). His vocals are shockingly [bad] and painfully off-key (Again, that's the way he sings. He was always like that. It doesn't stop him being the greatest frontman ever though.). He actually SOUNDS fat (What does that even mean? He wasn't fat.)! Seriously...check it out! (Yes, do check out the album. Because it so very awesome.) To make matters worse, at least half of the tunes sound like Morrison made up the abysmal lyrics as he went along (I see. Have you any evidence to back this up? Perhaps some examples of these 'abysmal lyrics'? No? Then I shall chalk your argument up as the ramblings of a madman.). There are a couple tunes where apparently the other Doors managed to get their fearless leader semi-sobered up or at least convinced him to come up with some [bad]lyrics in advance (Riders on the Storm being the best of these) (Again, you don't even attempt to explain your point. This is not how you debate. Attacking something without explaining why its wrong is a really awful way of criticizing anything. What are you? David Cameron?), but they are the exception. Mostly the tunes are lazy, generic blues variations (They aren't generic. Today they may be, but that is because what they laid down became popular throughout the 70s.) that a below-average bar band would be ashamed to call their own (I think if this hypothetic band created L.A. Woman, they'd be pretty bloody happy about it. Unless they were made up of clones of you, i.e. morons). And Morrison turns in the least convincing "blues" vocals this side of Eric Clapton's From The Cradle (yikes!)! (Yes. I can totally see why his low, harsh voice is totally unsuited to blues...) This is bad, bad stuff (That'll be why it gets universal praise by critics then...). That said, it's pretty [] funny if you have a perverse enough sense of humor (What do you mean here? That Morrison had a black sense of humour, or that it's so awful it's funny? If it's the latter, then I just may have to rip your balls off.), and it's a great party album if your friends have a similar sense of humor (I can hardly think of a worse party album...). I guess nothing's all bad. (Except this review.)

Well, I think I'm done now. See you next time!