Anthology of Idiocy II

Yes! Back by popular demand, it's another Anthology of Idiocy! [insert great applause here] First up in this edition is a 'review' for the Star Wars Original Trilogy from amazon.co.uk:

For me Star Wars is one of the Worst things ever it is so confusing and Borning and Rubbish. High School musical is 100,000,000 million times better than Star Wars Well. I'm not quite sure where to begin here to be honest with you. So I'll just start at the beginning. I like Star Wars, I'm not it's biggest fan (I'm sorry, but George Lucas cannot write dialogue. Though this original trilogy is way ahead of the prequels in that respect. "Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo" for example...) but they are very good entertainment. I can certainly think of worse things. AIDS for example, or Hitler, or war in general. If you are going to criticize one of the most successful film series in history, I would certainly recommend a structured argument based upon it's (many) failings. Not say it's 'confusing and boring'. I'd like to take a closer look at the first complaint. If you find this confusing, then might I suggest sticking to books about dogs losing a red ball. Though you might find the idea of an anthropomorphised dog confusing too... These are effectively children's films. The only way I could think of them becoming confusing is if the DVD skips every other scene and you're on a cocktail of psychoactive drugs. And how are lightsaber duels boring? If you don't find those exciting then I suggest you seek the help of a psychiatrist. And now we reach the highlight of this rant. I'll be honest, I've been looking forward to this. I currently have a smile bigger than the Cheshire Cat's. Though I've never seen it, I can tell you, with the utmost certainty, that High School Musical is the single worst thing to happen to cinema since Twilight. I am aware that Twilight came after, but I don't care. They're both utter shite without equal. These films have no redeeming features whatsoever.

 Here we have this review from our American cousins of Nosferatu: Der Nacht (Nosferatu: The Vampyre, the 1979 film directed by Werner Herzog and starring Klaus Kinski):

THE MOVIE STARTS OUT RATHER CREEPY AND INTERESTING. JUST WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR. IT THEN EVOLVES INTO A CHEESY AND CORNY PIECE OF RUBBISH (Excuse me? How is it cheesy or corny? Please elaborate). THE APPARANT HEROINE AT THE END DECIDES TO LET THE DISGUSTING VAMPIRE INTO HER ROOM TO SUCK HER BLOOD. SO SHE WILL NOW BECOME A VAMPIRE (She doesn't become a vampire. She is just emptied of her blood and killed.) AND THUS TRICK DRACULA INTO FORGETTING IT IS DAWN AND THUS BE DESTROYED (Yes. That seems perfectly reasonable to me. She sacrificed her life to save countless others. What's so wrong about that?). AT ONE POINT IN THE SHOW RATS ARE EVERYWHERE AND PEOPLE ARE DYING OF THE PLAGUE AND WALKING AROUND LIKE ZOMBIES. WHY NOY MAKE IT MORE REALISTIC AND SHOW THE POPULATION ATTEMPTING TO ERADICATE THE RATS. NO, INSTEAD THEY ALLOW THE RATS EVERYWHERE. (This was the 1800s. You couldn't just lay down a few rentokil traps and be done with it you know. It wasn't easy to get rid of rats. Maybe they tried for a while but failed and gave. Or maybe they didn't know rats carried plague. I'm sorry, but this is not a review. It's a random collection of plot points you didn't like for some reason. Now go away.)

I don't mean to go on, but isn't that just the best set you've
ever seen?       Image via Ourobeauros

I like old, silent films. One of my favourites is Das Kabinett des Doktor Caligari (The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari) from 1920. It is a German Expressionist film and regarded as one of the best horror movies of all time. It is also probably the first film to employ the 'twist ending'. And is also arguably one of the earliest cases of the 'unreliable narrator' in cinema. Safe to say then, that this is quite an important release in cinema's early development:

Yuck! This film is aweful! awful! (No, it's absolutely ruddy excellent. Those sets are just wonderful for a start) Why in the world is it still in print? (Because it's an excellent film, who's fantastic sets have helped to keep this film looking so very different and fresh even 90 years after it's first release. The availability of classic films should not be based upon your uninformed opinions of them. Myself and many others do want to see this massively important movie, and should be able to.) Movies like this are out of there their prime (Perhaps, but it is still relevant. Besides, nobody is forcing you to watch it. If you don't like it, don't watch it). The plot is that a mystical man named Calligari uses his zombie (He's not a zombie. He's a somnambulist - a sleepwalker. Pay attention to films you review in future) that tells fortunes to go out on a murder spree and kill certain people. I can't think of anything less tasteless. (You mean more tasteless. Less tasteless would be a double negative, meaning you couldn't think of anything with more taste. And [presuming the double negative was accidental] can't you? What about Holocaust jokes at a bar mitzvah, that would be pretty tasteless. But is that seriously your biggest gripe against this film? That there are murders? Because that's just stupid.)

Thank you for journeying with me through this collection of ridiculous reviews, till next time my pretties!

The Lord of the Rings (3 Book Box Set)

So, I thought I'd keep going with Lord of the Rings. Perhaps you've read it, perhaps not. I'll admit, it was quite long. Parts of it took some soldiering through. But the Lord of the Rings trilogy are rightly remembered as classics. Or are they? Once again, I turn my scornful eye against the unsuspecting Amazon public:

I think my problem with this book(/s) (These books. There's 3 of them. Come on) is that I didn't read it when I was a child (Someone should have been spanked more then...). If I had done, I may have loved it like I did Star Wars (You don't love it anymore? But... What about Yoda?) or appreciated the world it creates like I now accept that the World of Warcraft universe is impressive in its size and scope(It's just 'the Warcraft Universe'. It existed before WoW).

As it is, I can't get over how thoroughly mediocre (Oh, my giddy aunt) the whole thing is. People talk about it as an epic but what is epic about it other than its incredible length? People talk about the life lessons you can learn from it or its universal themes of good and bad. Really? Are we ever given even the tiniest shred of motivation for any of the characters?(Yes) Is it ever explained to us why the 'good' characters are good or why the 'evil' ones are evil? (What? Did you want it to explore the nature-nurture debate?)


I challenge any one of this books millions of fans to find a single person who read this after the age of 25 and liked it.(Really? I bet there'll be at least one person in the world who read LOTR after 25 and liked it) Or to re-read it themselves without the rose-tinted spectacles of their childhood and explain to me why it is in any way more impressive, inventive or rewarding than most of todays fantasy computer games (Because Tolkien basically created the fantasy genre). These too create whole worlds with plenty of maps and creatures and races and fights and quests and so on, usually with more to their story than: "Walk for 1400 pages then throw a ring into some lava" but none of these are every held up as the ultimate examples of literature. (Well, no. Because if you summarize the entire plot of a novel in one sentence, then it never looks very good. Because that's one sentence. Not a synopsis of the entire plot. Because more things happened than just walking and ring-throwing.)


Like "The DaVinci Code", this book is cited as a masterpiece only by people who simply haven't read enough other books to know better. (Erm, no. You see, this argument starts to work because The Da Vinci Code was a light, easy read. Lord of the Rings is big. If you can manage to read all of it, then you probably don't have a problem reading.)

Please Sir, can I have some more?

i read this book because all my freinds where saying how cool it was, but really it was rubbish!!! i mean i like fantasy but this book was so derivitive!!! (Derivative? Of what?) not to mention wordy... i think people just think its 'a classic' because its really old and really long, but actually it stinks!!! (Mmh, scratch-n-sniff) If you want good fantasy try the Warhammer books, those have elves and dwarves and stuff in but at least there not boring!!!! Too easy.

Lastly, the middle paragraph of one review:

Image via Wikipedia

An Elf. How angry must this guy be now?

Truth is I have never managed to get past the first of the three books that make up this shockfest. I have always got to the point where the hobbits enter the elvish forest and thrown (yes physically thrown) the book across the room. When I say always I must confess that I have attempted to read this thing three times and always come to the same conclusion - it is too bad to be worthy of my time. Seriously? You threw the book? You were that angry at it that you read a considerable chunk of the first book, presumably in one go, before the bile rose in your chest. Then, unable to contain yourself, you literally took the book, pulled back your arm, and - with no regards for the passing cat - THREW A BOOK across the room? Because you don't want to know about elvish forests? YOU THREW A BOOK BECAUSE IT MADE YOU ANGRY ABOUT ELVES! AND YOU DID THIS AGAIN, TWICE! Why? Did you think that with time, your irrational anger towards elves would have subsided? What possessed you sir?