Casablanca

B&W, like it should be. Image via skyjude

That's right peeps, even a film considered by many to be one of the best ever made has its Amazon.com based detractors. I'm sure I don't need to heap further praise on the performances by Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman and co. Nor the script with infamous phrases like "We'll always have Paris.". So, without further ado, let's get to the mocking:

OK.. I don't understand why people praise this as the best movie of all time? (Really? You don't understand strong performances and lovely direction, with a simple, but powerful, story? Poor you.) I just don't find anything special in this movie (What about everything I've just said?). The film starts real sloooooooow (Yes, because 'slow' equals bad...) and I almost fell asleep waiting for Bogart's character to appear (He comes in pretty near the start. It must be like 5 minutes or so. You make it seem like the film was on days before his character appears...) and I waited half an hour for Ingrid's character to appear (So? The story requires her to come in then. It wouldn't be the same if she was there from the start). A real dissapoinment disappointment! (This was, in no way, shape, or form, a review. You're an idiot.)

Let's move quickly onto the next one shall we?:

I'm not a kid by the way nor a teenager. I'm only using this kid's review feature since I'm not a customer (Then why not use 'A Customer's review' instead?). I watched Casablanca recently and my gosh I was disappointed (At least you can spell disappointed I suppose...). I really don't understand the fascination people have with this movie (Don't you? Don't you appreciate the subtler things in life?). It's a film about unrequited love which frankly doesn't appeal to me (Ah. Such a stud that all women/men fall instantly in love with you...). I don't care about great dialogue or "whimsical", "beautiful" acting and drama (Well, then. If you admit that these are great, then what do you hate? Only the story? You, sir, are an idiot.). This is a film from the 1940s and the acting is stagy and the film has no entertainment value (You cannot go around saying what is entertaining for other people. You didn't like it. Fine. But lots of other people do.). A film where a bunch of people talk for 3 hours is not the greatest ever made. (But the film is so much more than that. And if you can't realise that, then I pity you. I really do.)

Here's one more to finish us off for today:

I rented this waiting to be blown away. I'm still waiting (Don't worry, the explosives I rigged around your house will explode in 5 seconds...). I expected a lot more action (It's a romantic drama film. Why the fuck would there be lots of 'action'? This isn't Transformers you know.). I'm pretty sure I will enjoy it a lot more when Warner Bros finally gets around to releasing the colorized version, the way this movie needs to be seen  (Oh you did not just say that... I'm actually going to kill you.) - the world is not black and white, why should our movies be? (Because they were filmed at a time when tinting film was expensive and difficult and before colour film was introduced. That's why they were black and white. And since this is how they were originally conceived, this is how they should stay. Moron)

Well, I'll be back soon with some more mocking!