Goodfellas

Grr, this film sucks and eats children and does other bad things! Cover of GoodFellas

Goodfellas is pretty Good. It also features some fellas. Here are some reviews that are shit, but may feature fellas. I don't know, I'm not a Jesus lizard.

Amazon.com:

This movie is worthless (Worth a few quid, I think. I mean, the materials are worth something at the very least), for one thing the violence scenes that portraits the maffia like some ordinary screw ups,is what I think,not correct (It would be petty to pick on your poor English, so I'll pick on your poor ideas instead. When are they portrayed as 'ordinary screw-ups'? Most of the characters are bad people. They're not meant to be likable, but in some cases, we can relate to some of their actions or motivations.).You dont shot some body in the foot just because his acting stupid (No, you shouldn't. You weren't meant to think that was a socially acceptable action. You weren't meant to rise in rapturous applause, and go forth to arm children in the hope they too would shoot the stupid in the foot.).I think its a perfect sample of what happens if you try to copy and inhans,in this case the violant scenes,from other movies and try to do a box office hit out of it. (I don't know what that means. But you know this film is based on real events? So, really, it isn't a copy of other films. It is in fact closer to reality than the films you think it copies. You kinky whore.)

Amazon.com:

GoodFellas could have been a good movie and it was. I will now shut up, and we can all get on with our lives (Well, that's what s/he should have written...). I think Robert DeNiro is the best actor of our time (Yea, he's pretty damn good). But if they had left out that "Fuck" word their would not have been any dialog at all (Well, I imagine there would have been a lot of dialogue actually. All the dialogue that was in the film, in fact, but without the word "fuck").I do not think gansters used that word way back then anyway (No. They were upstanding, polite gents. And what do you mean, "back then". This isn't at the height of the Roman Empire)! I wonder how many of the actors in this movie would want their children to watch it (Dunno, none? It's an 18. Thus, only people over 18 should be watching it. If it was Thomas the fucking Tank Engine, I would understand your complaint. But this isn't for children, so whether one would let them watch it or not is irrelevant. Presuming you mean children to be young, thus rising a moral argument, I would retort that I wouldn't let my young children have sex, or drive, or own a small semi-detached house, or ride elephants across the Himalayas, but when they were adults, they could do what they want. Within the law, of course.) .Thanks for listening!!!! (Well, it was a lot of work to hire a voice-actor to read out your review for me, but no problem)

Next, let's move over to Lovefilm. We shall start with a 1-star review which really goes into great detail about the merits of the film, and the author's well-reasoned thoughts about them.
Lovefilm:

I did not watch this I made a mistake. 

I meant to ask for the film not the bonus disc. So, really, why are you giving it one star? The film isn't bad, the disk wasn't bad, the quality wasn't bad, and you can't even pretend the negative review is for poor service, because you got exactly what you bloody asked for. You just fucked up. Which I would forgive, if not for the fact you were actually writing a negative review for a film because you did the wrong thing! If I buy a cat instead of the Godfather, part II, am I justified in giving it a negative review? What about if I spend 6 hours cutting off my hands, when I actually want to watch Once Upon A Time In America? Can I sue James Wood's coat-rack?

Again, Lovefilm:

I rented this as it's a 'classic' (I think Ben's explained this concept before to you people. It is a classic, regardless of your opinion. Do you launch a scathing literary crusade against the Illiad because you found it unimpressive and draggy onish?) and I'd never seen it (Well, I now feel I know you well enough to judge you. Splendid!) - I was thoroughly unimpressed (Thoroughly? Did the disappointment permeate your very soul?). It drags on forever with very little really happening and scene after scene which advances the plot not one iota (If you feel qualified enough to use the word iota, then you should have noticed that A) The film is over. Therefore it does not drag on forever, B) lots happens. A good few people die, for one thing. C)The scenes advance the plot. The majority of the scenes develop the main story directly. Others help expand on the characters. Since the plot is about Henry Hill's life of crime, I'd think that you could see how shaping out his character, and the characters of those around him, could not fail to develop the plot). Lots of little subplots with the supporting cast go nowhere and the overall story could have been told in half the time (Well, yes, if you cut the subplots out of any film, it could be a lot shorter. Take Lord of the Rings - if we just followed Frodo and Sam as they Ringquested with Gollum, then we could really have cut down the last two films significantly. But should we? No. Because that would be cuntingly stupid.). By half way through, I was frankly bored (Who is Frank? Nah, I don't care. Fuck off, Frank). It picks up again near the end, but so little happens in the middle half hour you could go have a nap and not have any trouble catching up when you came back in (You'd probably miss a lot though. Like, you know, the middle of the film. Plus, that's not a sensible way to watch films. It is a stupid way to watch films. You are stupid). Godfather this isn't (Well, no, few films are really though. Except the Godfather, part II. But still, things can be almost as good you know. I'm sure in your perfect world, we'd destroy all the films that aren't the Godfather. We'd burn them, in big piles, wouldn't we? You Nazi...) - one to avoid. (Avoid? What, is it homing in on you? Seriously, you're a silly boo, aren't you?)

Next up, a review by another idiot.

Lovefilm (Entitled: Spoilt by)

Far too much talking especially the foul language,and not enough action (So, let me get this straight... You found the swearing too much? Well, ok I suppose that's a personal preference. But you then complain it lacked action? Surely it doesn't take a fucking quantom physicist to point out the oxymoron there. Oxymoron is a good word, isn't it? In fact, if we break it down, it contains what you are. A fucking oxy.)

Lovefilm:

I have no idea why people like this movie (Obviously. Hence your shock). It is absolutly disgusting (Well, I think 'absolutely' is an overstatement. I mean, it isn't Salò, is it?). Don't get me wrong, I love The Godfather (1, 2 but not 3 (You're not entirely stupid then)). This thing... No (But you LOVE the Godfather! LOVE IT! You don't just like it, or appreciate the artistic merit! You LOVE IT! The way it moves, the way it crinkles its nose, the way it does its hair, the way it walks and talks and fights the forces of darkness! So, surely, you then love the violence of the Godfather! LOVE THE VIOLENCE!)! Couldn't wait for it to finish.  Glorification to violence (Not really. It goes badly for everyone. And besides, as discussed earlier, you LOVE CRIMINAL VIOLENCE!). That's it. You don't care about characters (I did. Please don't tell me what I think, you're not my horse), just watching and thinking'Is it over yet? (Was that what I was thinking? Oh, good heavens!)' I do not recommend it at all. (Good God, really? I'm fucking orgasmic with shock.)

Lovefilm:

This film promiosed a lot but gave a little (Your review didn't promise spelling or grammar, and it delivered, so kudos to you. But seriously, do you think that review helps anyone? Why bother? If you went this far, why not explain how you think the film failed to deliver in a constructive manner, as to help your fellow man decide whether to rent this film or not? I'll tell you why. Because you smell! And I am six, so suck it bitch.)

On a more serious point, there're about a hundred and seventy thousand one-star reviews for Goodfellas, all of which concern the disk quality, rather than the film itself. And I normally disagree with giving a product one-star on Amazon because the disk was edible or you got send a toaster instead, but in this case, what the hell? Why do you have to get up and turn the DVD over? I've never had to do that in my life! It's probably the worst thing to happen to anyone, anywhere, ever!