The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

The problem with Leatherface is that he doesn't kill
enough. He could start with the reviewers here...
 Image via hauntedshop

In 1974 Tobe Hooper made the controversial horror film The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Today this film is still considered to be one of the most scary movies ever made. These reviewers, then, must have upper lips made of stone:

we all know that the way the movie was made was very poor (What do you mean? It was made cheaply if that's what you mean) but the film in itself is absoultely rubbish (Is it? Thank goodness you're here to pass judgement on all films for everyone).i think that anybody giving this a high mark is going purely on its so called status (First of all, maybe people [like me] just like it. And second of all it isn't a 'so-called status' it is its status. Rightly or wrongly [and its rightly by the way] that is the status it has).through the film the scariest moment is when the lady is put on the hook (No. That is the goriest moment. I'm guessing you are a fan of torture-porn then? The whole film makes the viewer uneasy. That, my simple friend, is true horror) but nothing much ever comes from the chainsaw.he whirls it about a bit running through the woods and never does much killing (For shame!).another stupid bit is that leatherface[the man with the chainsaw] is under the rule of his scrawny little dad (Well yes. The whole point is that Leatherface is not evil per se, just intellectually disabled and controlled by his evil family).to top it all off the end is worse than pathetic with the lady driving off and the chainsaw man left in the middle of the road again waving it around (Thanks for telling everyone who hasn't seen it how the film ends. Moron.).the end is ebrupt (abrupt),the sound is awful (It was a low budget hooror flick from the early 70s. What were you expecting?),the way it is made is awful (Strange then, that Roger Ebert [who did not like the content] admitted that it was well made. Much more so than it needed to be) and overall the film as a whole does not live up to its expectations (Well, not if you're expecting the gore of Saw crossed with the brilliance of The Godfather any way...).see it just so you know that the hype is all wrong. (See it just so you know that this idiot is all wrong)

Well, without any ado, here's another for your sick pleasure:

I'd wanted to see this film for a number of years (Bully for you), and was really excited when I finally got my chance.........Bloody hell was I disapointed! (Why? Did the film explode in your machine?) Loosely based on the horrific real-life crimes of Ed Gein....'loosely' is definatly the right word to use (I'm sorry, are you criticizing the film for only being loosely inspired by Ed Gein? 'Cause that seems a little bit petty to me. This isn't a biopic). When the title sequence rolled I will admit to thinking this was going to be a really atmospheric and scary film (Which most normal people agree it is), the prodution may of have been bad, but if a story is good enough it will shine through. Besides a grainy film and lack of music can be very creepy (It sure as hell is in this case I can assure all of you at home). Unfortuanatly little happened in the first half of the film (It's called suspense! Why do none of you imbeciles know what suspense actually is? I just answered my own question there didn't I...) and the acting was very dodgy. When the action did start it was stupid more that scary (VIOLENCE ISN"T SCARY! It's just shocking. To be really scary, you need an atmosphere and a sense of unease and dread. This film has those films in spades), and scenes of Leatherface with chainsaw reminded me of Benny Hill for some reason (God, you must be fucked up from watching too much Hostel...). Only one scene involing the motel owning relative of Leatherface and one of the young teenagers, came across as slightly disturbing (The whole film is at least slightly disturbing. Ridley Scott once said that the film became disturbing right from the moment they pick up the hitch-hiker, and that it doesn't let up. Texas..., if you didn't know, was incredibly important to the look and feel of Alien). I recommend people see this film, if only to see for themselves how dull this so called cult horror really is. (Was this written by exactly the same guy as the last one? Because that's quite a similar ending, and both are credited to 'A Customer'. If it is, I will attack you with a chainsaw for fixing the film's Amazon rating in favour of your stupid ideas...)

 Now, here's a review written by a comic genius...:

This has to be the scariest film ever. Within ten minutes of the film starting, my legs were already sticky with poo, and when the first of those poor, unfortunate young people died, I turned off the film and called an escort because I was too scared to spend the night alone.

The individual shots are very scary. They add a lot to the atmosphere, and had me hiding behind the sofa before I had even seen the terrifying Leatherface.I was particularly terrified by the shot of the dead armadillo. I will never watch this film again. It has scarred me for life. Never watch this film unless you want to live out the rest of your days in abject terror. I am now seeking counselling to try and overcome the mental trauma caused by such a harrowing experience.

Shame computers don't do sarcasm... (It's a shame your not as funny or knowledgeable as you think you are...)

Well, that's it for Halloween week here at Weeding Out The Idiots, service will resume as normal tomorrow. Watch out for those monsters at your door tonight - keep those shotguns loaded!

Alien

Those letters are so scary...
Image, red6hosting

Regarded as both a sci-fi and horror classic, Alien is highly regarded in film circles. But not in these idiots' circles apparently:

anyone you can seriously say that they liked this movie is an idiot (Really? Well, then I must be an idiot. Thank God you've told me), made in 1979 the costumes look as if they were designed in the 50s (In what way? They're just shirts! Navy-esque shirts! What's so 50s about them?), for christs sake space suits had all ready been designed how far wrong can you go (They wore space-suits that fitted into the grimy, run-down world that Ridley Scott and H.R. Giger created. Immaculate white suits would have looked out of place).

also the plot is just terrible, firstly what stupid galactic military intelligence agency decides its a good idea to use an incompetent and unknowing crew as bait for apparantly superior predator (Well, they weren't bait per se. If they survived then that was fine, but the company didn't care either way. They just wanted the alien to be put into stasis. And they didn't tell the crew because they wouldn't have gone if they'd known. Would you willingly go into somewhere filled with aliens that wanted to kill you. Because if so, I can arrange it. Well, apart from the aliens bit...). relying on a android - that seemed to be, well lets just say i dont think it would work in the rain (I'm pretty sure they would have ironed kinks like that out. They were common-ish in the 'Alien' world) - to bring back this alien halfway across the galaxy for research purposes. if the andriod can pilot the craft alone then why is a human crew needed at all? why didnt they send a crew of android with on human as bait? (Because the humans were on another mission, delivering other things as well. This was presumably easier and less obvious than chartering a whole new 'flight')  

secondly why does the ships computer accomodate an entire room and need to be communicated with through typing commands and queries when it is capable to make androids that can pass themselves off as humans? (Maybe because the computer was too large to be housed anywhere else. And maybe typed commands just work fine, so why change it? Or maybe it has something to do with it BEING A FILM, made in 1979)

thirdly, i can hardly see the alien as being such a great predator seen as the way it meets its demise in the movie seems to be because it cant be bothered to kill the last human alive, the one that seems to be putting on a spacesuit and opening the airlock, come on now whats that about? (Well it's distracted by Jones the cat. I imagine that if it had known what Ripley was doing, it would probably have killed her. But it didn't, so it thought it had all the time in the world to kill her. Plus, that Alien was only a matter of hours old. Since it had no knowledge of spaceships, it is surely feasible that it didn't know what Ripley was doing was even possible. In any case, that doesn't stop it from being a great predator. Tigers don't know how to work doors, but I wouldn't say it wasn't a good predator)

on top of numerous plot pitfalls, the movie seems to flow from moments of extreme terror (loud noise, quick cuts) and moments off (of) calm and boredom (It's not boredom. It's called suspense. It is a much more difficult thing to pull off. It was also something that the great Alfred Hitchcock championed, saying that 'There is no terror in a bang, only in the anticipation of it') on the part of the crew, its just rubbish, why will no one else realise this. (Obviously everyone else is some kind of sub-species. Maybe we should instigate some kind of genocide of everyone that isn't you)

Here we have a couple more reviews, this time I have trawled Amazon.com to bring them to you wholesale!:

why does everyone thing (I presume you mean 'think') this movie is sooooo scary (Because it's full of suspense. And you're never sure when the Alien will strike. And what's not at least a little bit scary about when the alien bursts out of Kane's chest? It came as a shock to me when I first saw it, and I knew it was coming). first of all, this movie is the slowest movie in existance (Have you not seen Star Trek: The Motion Picture?). You have wait 24 hours before you finally see the alien (I could have sworn the film was only 2 hours long, but I must be wrong). I loved alien vs predator (Really? You loved it? Then I'm sorry, but you must be put to death for the good of humankind), and the aliens are my favorite. So I wanted to see the first alien movie. I stared watching it, and the letters going up on the screen kinda freaked me out (You got scared by letters? God you're a pussy.). Then 15 minutes later i fell asleep (So are you reviewing this film based on the first 15 minutes then? 'Cause that seems a little a lot stupid). The movie would have been better if it was taken place in present time, not 500 years from now (And how many Oscar-worthy films have you directed? Produced? Written? Yeah. I thought not). All the high-tech stuff made it even more boring (Well it was all kind of important wasn't it? We don't have the technology to get to other planets yet, so how would the story work?). I have a question,"why are all the most oldest, boring movies considered classics?" (Maybe it's just that you're an idiot. This was by a 'Kid Reviewer' so I'm going to go ahead and presume that you were brought up on a diet of utterly shit films and now equate 'good' with car chases and explosions every two minutes. If I wasn't so full of rage I'd pity you.) anyway I hated the movie, and I think they should remake it, in present time. (And I think they should remake you. With a hammer)

More?! You demand more?! Oh alright then, if you insist:

Any good sc-fi movies should have an meaningful and logical story, this is exactly what Alien lack. The CGI(if any (Well it hasn't got any. This was 1979. They used models and stuff for everything back then. I know this will be difficult for you to accept, but you're going to have to. And the sooner you do, the better)) and special effect frankly not today's standard (Well why would they be? Films that are 30 years old rarely look like they were made this morning) which make this film nothing more than a piece of junk (And you're excrement.). I keep on asking this question when I watched this film: "If nobody came to this alien planet, how can the Aliens survive in the first place?" (Because they were effectively in stasis, that's how. They hibernate until some alien comes to them and then unwittingly takes them to the next planet. It's all quite simple and explained in the film) (This aliens are not intelligence enough to make any spaceship (Because they have no purpose to. Just because they aren't technologically advanced, that doesn't make them stupid. And by the way? It's 'These aliens are not intelligent enough' what you said was just awful))If you looked for a film in similar genre I highly recommand you watch "The thing" instead (The Thing, is not an awful film, though it is somewhat derivative of this and other films. But to recommend it above Alien is frankly laughable). Alien is no more than the psychopath in "Friday the 13th" (Mrs. Voorhees, Jason's mother if you're interested) dressing in Alien suit (Never, ever compare this masterpiece to a cheap slasher film or I will fuck you up.). This film is just a waste of time and money. (And you, sir, are a waste of air and finite nutrients.)

The doctor says this anger is slowly killing me, but what does he know? Till next time faithful readers!