Alien

Those letters are so scary...
Image, red6hosting

Regarded as both a sci-fi and horror classic, Alien is highly regarded in film circles. But not in these idiots' circles apparently:

anyone you can seriously say that they liked this movie is an idiot (Really? Well, then I must be an idiot. Thank God you've told me), made in 1979 the costumes look as if they were designed in the 50s (In what way? They're just shirts! Navy-esque shirts! What's so 50s about them?), for christs sake space suits had all ready been designed how far wrong can you go (They wore space-suits that fitted into the grimy, run-down world that Ridley Scott and H.R. Giger created. Immaculate white suits would have looked out of place).

also the plot is just terrible, firstly what stupid galactic military intelligence agency decides its a good idea to use an incompetent and unknowing crew as bait for apparantly superior predator (Well, they weren't bait per se. If they survived then that was fine, but the company didn't care either way. They just wanted the alien to be put into stasis. And they didn't tell the crew because they wouldn't have gone if they'd known. Would you willingly go into somewhere filled with aliens that wanted to kill you. Because if so, I can arrange it. Well, apart from the aliens bit...). relying on a android - that seemed to be, well lets just say i dont think it would work in the rain (I'm pretty sure they would have ironed kinks like that out. They were common-ish in the 'Alien' world) - to bring back this alien halfway across the galaxy for research purposes. if the andriod can pilot the craft alone then why is a human crew needed at all? why didnt they send a crew of android with on human as bait? (Because the humans were on another mission, delivering other things as well. This was presumably easier and less obvious than chartering a whole new 'flight')  

secondly why does the ships computer accomodate an entire room and need to be communicated with through typing commands and queries when it is capable to make androids that can pass themselves off as humans? (Maybe because the computer was too large to be housed anywhere else. And maybe typed commands just work fine, so why change it? Or maybe it has something to do with it BEING A FILM, made in 1979)

thirdly, i can hardly see the alien as being such a great predator seen as the way it meets its demise in the movie seems to be because it cant be bothered to kill the last human alive, the one that seems to be putting on a spacesuit and opening the airlock, come on now whats that about? (Well it's distracted by Jones the cat. I imagine that if it had known what Ripley was doing, it would probably have killed her. But it didn't, so it thought it had all the time in the world to kill her. Plus, that Alien was only a matter of hours old. Since it had no knowledge of spaceships, it is surely feasible that it didn't know what Ripley was doing was even possible. In any case, that doesn't stop it from being a great predator. Tigers don't know how to work doors, but I wouldn't say it wasn't a good predator)

on top of numerous plot pitfalls, the movie seems to flow from moments of extreme terror (loud noise, quick cuts) and moments off (of) calm and boredom (It's not boredom. It's called suspense. It is a much more difficult thing to pull off. It was also something that the great Alfred Hitchcock championed, saying that 'There is no terror in a bang, only in the anticipation of it') on the part of the crew, its just rubbish, why will no one else realise this. (Obviously everyone else is some kind of sub-species. Maybe we should instigate some kind of genocide of everyone that isn't you)

Here we have a couple more reviews, this time I have trawled Amazon.com to bring them to you wholesale!:

why does everyone thing (I presume you mean 'think') this movie is sooooo scary (Because it's full of suspense. And you're never sure when the Alien will strike. And what's not at least a little bit scary about when the alien bursts out of Kane's chest? It came as a shock to me when I first saw it, and I knew it was coming). first of all, this movie is the slowest movie in existance (Have you not seen Star Trek: The Motion Picture?). You have wait 24 hours before you finally see the alien (I could have sworn the film was only 2 hours long, but I must be wrong). I loved alien vs predator (Really? You loved it? Then I'm sorry, but you must be put to death for the good of humankind), and the aliens are my favorite. So I wanted to see the first alien movie. I stared watching it, and the letters going up on the screen kinda freaked me out (You got scared by letters? God you're a pussy.). Then 15 minutes later i fell asleep (So are you reviewing this film based on the first 15 minutes then? 'Cause that seems a little a lot stupid). The movie would have been better if it was taken place in present time, not 500 years from now (And how many Oscar-worthy films have you directed? Produced? Written? Yeah. I thought not). All the high-tech stuff made it even more boring (Well it was all kind of important wasn't it? We don't have the technology to get to other planets yet, so how would the story work?). I have a question,"why are all the most oldest, boring movies considered classics?" (Maybe it's just that you're an idiot. This was by a 'Kid Reviewer' so I'm going to go ahead and presume that you were brought up on a diet of utterly shit films and now equate 'good' with car chases and explosions every two minutes. If I wasn't so full of rage I'd pity you.) anyway I hated the movie, and I think they should remake it, in present time. (And I think they should remake you. With a hammer)

More?! You demand more?! Oh alright then, if you insist:

Any good sc-fi movies should have an meaningful and logical story, this is exactly what Alien lack. The CGI(if any (Well it hasn't got any. This was 1979. They used models and stuff for everything back then. I know this will be difficult for you to accept, but you're going to have to. And the sooner you do, the better)) and special effect frankly not today's standard (Well why would they be? Films that are 30 years old rarely look like they were made this morning) which make this film nothing more than a piece of junk (And you're excrement.). I keep on asking this question when I watched this film: "If nobody came to this alien planet, how can the Aliens survive in the first place?" (Because they were effectively in stasis, that's how. They hibernate until some alien comes to them and then unwittingly takes them to the next planet. It's all quite simple and explained in the film) (This aliens are not intelligence enough to make any spaceship (Because they have no purpose to. Just because they aren't technologically advanced, that doesn't make them stupid. And by the way? It's 'These aliens are not intelligent enough' what you said was just awful))If you looked for a film in similar genre I highly recommand you watch "The thing" instead (The Thing, is not an awful film, though it is somewhat derivative of this and other films. But to recommend it above Alien is frankly laughable). Alien is no more than the psychopath in "Friday the 13th" (Mrs. Voorhees, Jason's mother if you're interested) dressing in Alien suit (Never, ever compare this masterpiece to a cheap slasher film or I will fuck you up.). This film is just a waste of time and money. (And you, sir, are a waste of air and finite nutrients.)

The doctor says this anger is slowly killing me, but what does he know? Till next time faithful readers!