Twishite, I mean, Twilight

How big and plasticky can a face get?
Image via Starpulse

Normally on this site we mock stupid one-star reviews of things we like. But today I'm gonna mix it up a bit and mock stupid five-star reviews of something I detest. That 'something' is Twilight in all it's forms. The following two reviews are for the film Twilight: New Moon:

One of the best films I have ever seen (Poor, poor you. Now that you've watched this you should watch the films I've listed below). I loved it and slightly preferred it to Twilight mainly because the film was more colourful and Bella smiles a bit more (It's nice to see that you've picked up on what's really important in a film). I have already watched it 3 times (I understand the US are looking into this as a new form of torture). I have never watched any of the special features on DVD's before the Twilight features but I enjoyed the extra special extras disc as much as the main one (Wow, praise indeed. This means that the extras for this film are better than most films...). I love the deleted and extended scene and fast forward Jacob abd Edward. I would watch it every night if I had the time (Wouldn't that drive you a little nuts?). Thank you Amazon

And:

This is the best film ever (Is it really? You, too, should check out the list below for films that I would like to suggest as perhaps being a little better) and it arrived 2 days before the release date!! All my friends were pretty jealous!!! (Wow! Two days early?! I guess you should be thankful that one of your friends didn't hack you to death with a pair of blunt, rusty scissors whilst you slept so that they could have it early instead).The best love story ever :) (Yup, necrophilia and bestiality are so romantic...)

This review for the book Twilight is in a similar vein:

I do not actually understand how i have lived without reading this book for so long (By breathing in and out probably). Without this book no life is complete (Oh no! My life is incomplete because this person said so! I'd better jump off a bridge.), and no i am not a fantasty junkie, i just have a very strong opinion (That's horrifically wrong.). However try this book and if you do not agree there is a good chance you weren't paying attention to what you were reading (Or that you're not a teenage girl who has no clue what constitutes a good book). Stephanie Meyer is a genius (No she isn't. Leonardo Da Vinci was a genius. Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein were geniuses. Stephanie Meyer is a piss-poor writer with all the creativity of a genital wart.), i have finally found a book that is better then Harry Potter and that is quite a challenge (No it isn't. If you're looking at the Harry Potter's on a shelf of a bookshop, look to your left a little and you'll see His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman. They're significantly better for a start), The twilight saga will be hard to beat for anyone including some of the past literacy greats (Literary greats. Yes I'm sure Tolstoy, Dickens and co. are hanging up their pens as we speak. I've humoured you, now fuck off). On a final note BEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN and always will be (I'll throw this copy of Crime and Punishment that's not in my hand in the fire then. For an incomplete list of books better than Twilight, scan your eyes downwards a little)

As promised here's a list of just a few films in no particular order that are miles better than Twilight: New Moon:
The Godfather Trilogy, Apocalypse Now, Citizen Kane, Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Raging Bull, The Dark Knight, The Good The Bad And The Ugly, The Good The Bad And The Weird, Oldboy, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Sin City, The El Mariachi Trilogy, The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy, The Host, The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari, Nosferatu: Symphony Of Terror, Nosferatu: Phantom Of The Night, Star Wars (including the crappy ones), the Back To The Future trilogy, Platoon, Seven Samurai, Rashomon, The Bicycle Thieves, M, Metropolis, Blade Runner, The Matrix, Inception, the Indiana Jones films (even the crap one), the Jurassic Park trilogy, American Psycho, American Beauty, The Departed, The Aviator, The Alien films, the Predator films, fuck even the Alien Vs. Predator films, The Battleship Potemkin, The Birth Of A Nation (despite its racism), Vertigo, Psycho, the Toy Story trilogy, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Solaris (the Russian one), The Hurt Locker, Eastern Promises, There Will Be Blood, No Country For Old Men, Fargo, Miller's Crossing, The Big Lebowski, An American Werewolf in London and Pan's Labyrinth. I think that'll do for now. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments area.

And here's a handful of books better than Twilight, again in no particular order, except the order in which I remembered them:
War And Peace, Crime And Punishment, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Animal Farm, Oliver Twist, Lord Of The Rings, Hearts of Darkness, Dracula, Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?, Brideshead Revisited, The Old Man and the Sea, Nineteen Eighty-Four, Tess of the D'Urbevilles, Alice In Wonderland, Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas, To Kill A Mockingbird, Bleak House, Of Mice And Men, Catch-22, The Catcher In the Rye, Lord of the Flies, The Grapes of Wrath, On The Road, Pride And Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, The Iliad, The Odyssey, The Aenid, The Canterbury Tales, The Divine Comedy, Maus, Wathmen, The Dark Knight Returns, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy, His Dark Materials, Harry Potter, Redwall, Tintin, Asterix, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Jurassic Park, The War of the Worlds, Birdsong, Rebecca, Treasure Island, William Shakespeare, The Good Soldier, Slaughterhouse 5, The Great Gatsby, The Crucible, and The Picture of Dorian Gray. There are more, but I'm writing this late and I'm tired. If I've missed anything obvious please leave a comment so I can kick myself for having forgotten it.
Till then friends, Romans (it's possible one of you is Roman...), countrymen, goodbye!