Dawn Of The Dead

Clearly drying paint has all of these thrills and more...
Image via filmsquish

Continuing the halloween theme of this week, today I am stepping bravely into the crappy world of Amazon reviews of the legendary film Dawn of the Dead. Released in 1978 Dawn of the Dead revitalised the zombie genre just as its predecessor (Night of the Living Dead) had a decade before. Or is this legacy undeserved? These reviewers certainly believe so:

 I bought this film under the impression that it was great film, how wrong I was (Well, you're certainly wrong now). The acting is wooden (Do you know what wood is?), the people seem like they are enjoying being stuck in a mall full of dead caniballs (Well yes. That was kind of the point. If they wanted something, they just took it. How isn't that fun? Oh, and zombies aren't technically cannibals as they're no longer really human). The zombies make-up is appalling, they look crap (They look like corpses. Because that's all they're supposed to look like. Animated corpses.), and the film is over 2 hours long, making it unbearable to watch (2 hours is just normal length for a film you amoeba). Avoid this trash at all costs and watch the remake as it is 100 times better. (What? You think the remake is better? Whilst Snyder's version doesn't shit all over the original like most modern remakes, it's not a patch on Romero's. It certainly hasn't had the lasting effect of this one.)

I had a witty segue here, but I've forgotten it so you'll have to make do with this picture of a giant squid instead. No I don't know why either...

Anyway, here's the next review:

My friend gave me a loan of this to watch and it was over two hours of dull monotonous drivel (I'm forced to ask if you have a brain, or wether you are in fact operating purely on instinct?). OK the effects were quite good for the time, but they were too few to make up for the main characters just sitting around doing nothing for three quarters of the film inside their shopping mall (Look. Effects are not a replacement for story, they are merely to augment it. Just ignore what that naughty Mr. Bay says.).

They could have decided to fight back, and eliminate some of the zombies (Well they did a bit didn't they. But there were fucking loads, and they felt there wasn't an awful lot of point), and reclaim the country (Excuse me? For all they know they are the last people on Earth, why the hell would they try? And that's before you get to the problem of a handful of people killing hundreds of millions of zombies...), but no they decide to twiddle their thumbs for almost two hours (It's called surviving). I almost cheered when the looters turned up and stormed the mall. (Well aren't you a sourpuss)

Anyway if you have two hours of your life that you don’t want, then go watch some paint dry it will be time better spent than watching this rubbish! (Well, if paint drying is better than one of the best horror films of all time, then I'm there!)

To round off today's post, here's a less-than glowing review from amazon.com:

I gave the remake GLOWING accolades (Well, at least we know your movie tastes are a bit shonky straight from the off I suppose). Someone in a chatroom (I should have known not to listen!) said that the original was much better (It's not just people in chatrooms by the way. Critics agree. Unless all people in chatrooms are professional critics, but that seems slightly unlikely to be honest). So I waltzed over to Circuit City (It must have taken ages to waltz there, you probably would have been better off walking) and purchased this. Sigh. I'll NEVER get that $35.00 back (Well, you'd better just shoot yourself now then, eh?). I feel so bad for having purchased this (It's not a snuff movie. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Quite the opposite in fact). This movie was not scary (At times, it's not meant to be). The zombies were not scary (Why? Because they don't run? They're zombies! They're not supposed to be able to run! They're corpses, with all the rigor mortis that being a corpse entails. Making them run would also have meant doing away with the criticism of consumerism that is at the heart of the movie. But I bet that went right above your head). The characters were completely insipid. Perhaps I wouldn't have felt cheated if I'd watched the original before the remake, but had I watched THIS drivel first I wouldn't have WANTED to see the remake--or anything else remotely connected to the movie (That's a bit petty). However, I thoroughly enjoyed the remake (More fool you), which I had to watch 10 times before it no longer scared me at all (Pussy). But this--I don't get it (No. On this we are in agreement. However, the fact that you're too thick to 'get it' is entirely your fault. Not the film's). It wasn't even REMOTELY close to the remake (Again, we agree. But I suspect we may differ on which one is way out in front). How does it get so many positive reviews? (Because it's a legendary piece of filmmaking that has inspired almost every zombie movie that came after in some way or another. It is also important for its biting criticism of many facets of life in the 1970s, most of which are as relevant today as they ever were. That's before we get onto the merits of the film itself, which include but are not limited to the strong direction, the strong acting, the [for the day] excellent effects, the engaging story and the mixing of fun with the scenes of violence and horror. There that'll do for starters. If you want more, contact Empire magazine who listed it in their The 500 Greatest Movies of All Time, or The New York Times who named it in their Best 1000 Movies Ever Made'.)

I'll see you again next time with more horrifying amazon reviews! (Did you see what I did there? Did you?)