Star Trek The Next Generation

 Data. An android. One of the coolest characters in TNG.
Image via Gunaxin

Being the rebel that I am, I'm doing things a little bit differently today. Yes, instead of choosing several reviews from one item, this post will have 4 reviews by the same reviewer, with all reviews for different seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Not only are this man's opinions ill-thought, but his facts are downright wrong. We shall start, predictably enough, with his review for season 1. It starts quite well, the end is a little shaky though:

I tried to like it I really did, but there are just too many dud episodes per season to be anything like consistant. (I'm sorry, but earlier in your review you said how much you loved The Original Series. If you think that they were consistent, and had fewer dud episodes then you obviously haven't seen them since you hit puberty. They're patchier than a badly mended Teddy Bear)

I am only buying it because they are such a good reduced price.

Nothing too bad you're no doubt thinking. And I'd agree. If it weren't for his next reviews, he would never have graced this blog with his presence. Here's season 2:

Well, after a totally lack-lustre first season (The why did you give it 3 stars? That suggests you felt it was average, not lack-lustre), I would really like to say that the second season is a fantastic improvement.

I would really like to, but unfortunately I just cannot. (Oh I bet you could)

In truth, season two is no better than the first, in at least one aspect it is actually worse. (Ooh! I am on tenterhooks at the edge of my seat!)

I just cannot get emotionally engaged by the shallow cyphers that pass as main characters on this series (They're not entirely shallow, they all get developed as the series goes on. Maybe you just have that thing where you can't form emotional attachments, like Dexter from Dexter...). There is the London girl doing that monumentally awful east European accent asking everyone how they feel about things (She's a councillor, that's pretty much her job. And her accent isn't that awful), a Klingon that is about as amped up (judging by the movie Klingons) as a flat battery (He was raised by humans, give poor Worf a chance to develop you prick!), a blind bridge officer that steers the ship (yes folks, a blind man has his hands on the steering wheel :0 ! (Xenophobic much? And he has a VISOR so he can 'see'. Meaning he's just as qualified as anyone else)), then there's the gay robot (Homophobic much? And he's not gay. Where the fuck did you get that from? You must have looked pretty hard), humour that is so forced it is cringe inducing (Nope, never really noticed that either. But then, maybe I'm wrong. But, then, I'm never worng...) and an Executive Officer that does not know what to do with his hands and walks like John Wayne! (What? Seriously, where the fuck are you getting all of this?) And who can forget the, by now, infuriating and brain cruchingly stupid..."We have a major - and in all likelyhood potentially FATAL - situation, so what shall we do about it? I know, let's all leave the bridge and have a good long chat about things in our special 'Sit Down And Talk About Things Alot' room at the back of the ship" (Yes. Because running round like a headless chicken is really going to help.)

Please! 

And, good grief, even by this second season...they were already having money problems??! How could that have happened, at $1 million per episode? But it surely did because the final episode of this season, the one that is normally the cliff-hanger, and is designed to make you want to watch the next season..? 

A 42 minute cut-together of flash-backs, taken from previous episodes. When a show does this it is usually a sign that all is not well and that corners have been cut cost-wise. (Now, here is where the quality of his research really pays off... Actually, there was a writer's strike that cut the season short. They desperately needed another episode, so the producers quickly made this because it required very little fresh writing. All makes perfect sense)

I really expected this to be the final season. (Well, then you're a fool.)

The stupidity continues:

Well, season three of Next Gen is the series where it really began to reach some of the potential that it supposedly had. (Still given 3 stars though...)

Hang on a minute...it took how long to actually get to the good episodes? (Encounter at Farpoint was good. And that was the pilot...) Three seasons? If this had been any other TV SF series it would have been canned after 1 season, never mind three (Except others felt it was good. It had its share of poor episodes, yes, but far fewer than TOS ever did. And it was drawing in more than enough viewers). $1 million per episode and it didn't hit its stride until its third season in? (Quite a few series take a while to really get good. It's not unusual)

Scandalous. Paramount were clearly under huge pressure to a) prove that 'new' TREK was superior to classic TREK (Mission accomplished already then) b) keep a flagship SF show on the air to compete with the fact that BABYLON 5 was gaining year-for-year in the ratings. (Compete with Babylon 5? Babylon 5 didn't have its pilot till 1993, 3 years after season 3 of TNG finished! The actual series didn't begin until 1994. Could the producers of Trek see into the future or something? Fucktard.)

In a climate that dictates that some shows do not even get passed 6 episodes before they have the plugged pulled and a mid-season replacement is brought into production...three seasons is a crime that should never have happened. (Are you a writer/producer whose SF show didn't last a season by any chance?)

That said, Patrick Stewart and Jonathan Frakes continue to be the best thing about NEXT GEN (Well, there's a back-handed compliment if ever there was one). It sure as hell is not the effeminate 'droid (Leave Data alone! He's far cooler than you ever will be. And he is widely regarded to be an excellent character. His desire to be human was one of the series' greatest arcs), the wobbley accented counsellor, the pointless night club (sorry, staff canteen) generally poor stories, horrendous acting and tortuously contrived humour. 

It does, however, have one of the best season finales ever made (At last, we agree about something!). Sadly the fantastic "Best Of Both Worlds" Part One is not just great enough to carry a whole season. (It's a good thing it didn't have to then...)

And finally, season 4:

Well they certainly took long enough to get here but there are a fair number of pretty good episodes in this season (This season also gets 3 stars. Do you think he knows that there are more ratings?). I think they seriously stopped trying to compete with BABYLON 5 by going for more than 3 seasons, BABYLON 5 being the first space-based US TV show to do so. (Seriously now. What the fuck? Where are you getting this information? The Idiot's Guide To Being An Idiot? All of that is wrong. I mean ALL of it.) 

Picture quality did improve too in this season, I am not entirely sure why as this is as they were still using the "shoot it on film and then edit it on video" technique adopted by many TV shows of the time. (Maybe the video got better)

Audio also switched to Dolby Pro-Logic (which has stereo left+Right Centre and Surrounds), rather than just bog standard surround (Stereo Left+Right and Surrounds) to give clearer sound and the FX were taken over by FOUNDATION IMAGING - the company that had done the revolutionary BABYLON 5 FX for the first three years of that show - and done in CG rather than actual models. (Nope. IF did do Babylon 5 seasons 1-3, but they would never do TNG. They did DS9 from the season 5 finale onwards, and Voyager from season 3)

A slight improvement over the first three years, but still certainly not brilliant and certainly not as good as many people claim, nor as good as it should have been. (Oh piss off will you. You're reviews have almost as many holes in them as the Bible)

Sorry to have made such a long post, but I was determined to mock this man as much as possible... Till next time gentle readers!

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Season 1

DS9 isn't as good as Babylon 5. Therefore it must be
destroyed... Image via India Broadband

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine was an expansion to the Star Trek franchise and aired alongside the final couple of seasons of The Next Generation and the first few seasons of Voyager. Set on a space station rather than a ship, it is one of the more fondly remembered series in the Star Trek world among fans and critics alike. These reviewers, though, disagree:

It was innovative for its time due to the use of story arcs, which were a good thing for Star Trek and broke the genre's tradional use of stand alone episodes. In addition there was less 'ready room' dialogue ala Picard and TNG and more action! However Babylon 5 is superior. Its much darker still. More dramatic, realistic and exciting! (You gave ST:DS9 1 star because it wasn't as good as Babylon 5? You do realise that it isn't just a choice between 1 star or 5 star don't you? Surely if you liked DS9 a little bit less than B5, 4 stars would have been better? It's people like you who ruin Amazon reviews for the rest of us.)

Here we have an idiot from America:

I've been enjoying all of the treks coming out on DVD so naturally I purchased the first three seasons of DS9 (It's all good so far). I am finding the sets drab, the characters are all boring me as they strive to be such phoney "demi god, perfection" that I am struggling with my attention span (And here we go. It's a stylistically dark show so I can kind of understand the 'drab' bit, but the characters are strong. They're deep and realistic. They certainly don't strive to be 'demi god, perfection', they just strive to better people. Who doesn't want to be better?). Example: "My darling I know that coming to DSP cost you your career as a botanist. Please, I beg you to take our daughter and go on this expedition as a botanist." She responds, "I knew that I was giving up my career." (Those evil fuckers.)

This isn't entertainment. This is so dull I can't see straight. (It is entertainment. I know this because myself and many others were [and are] entertained by it)
I really did not want to spend 300 dollars in seasons, for somebodies socially progressive example of how we should all be behaving in our lives according to themselves. (Those pricks. How dare they be progressive? How dare they imagine a world with no war, racism or poverty? They're so evil they should all be thrown into a Sarlacc pit...)

If you want to wallow in socially progressive politics DS9 is for you. Just remember the rest of us love the Klingons and follow their example (Do you mean the Original Series where they remained pretty two-dimensional? Their whole characterisation consisted of them wanting to dominate everyone and be tyrannical! Actually, you probably want America to do that...). The socialist ideal lessons on us were not absorbed or learned. (More fool you then)

So far as I am concerned the popularity of Star Trek was abused by someone with a hidden agenda and it is DS9. (I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Gene Roddenberry intended the Star Trek universe to be socialist. He hoped that one day the Earth really would be altruistic without religion, prejudice or money. If you don't like anything left of Thatcher, then you should probably never watch any Star Trek again. If nothing else could you please never review anything again...)

Well that's all from me today, but if I catch you being idiotic in any Amazon review then I'll kill you! Wait, that's probably too far. I think I'll just mock you...

Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 1

See? There's not that many women...

Here is a 1 star review of that most despicable of TV shows, Star Trek: The Next Generation season 1. Be warned this post contains graphic sarcasm from the start:

Having watched all three seasons of the Original Star Trek (with Shatner and Nimoy, which was brilliant) (It's not that brilliant, many of the episodes are awful), I was looking forward to watching Star Trek 'The Next Generation', but I couldnt have been more disappointed. (Couldn't you? Really? What if you opened the box to find only Hitler? Who then jumped out and set your mother on fire?)

Apparently, alot of the old trekkies that watched TNG didnt like this first series (That's the first I've heard of this), but they only have a vague reason why.. 

Here's why. (Oh thank the Lord that you are going to enlighten us)

TNG started in the late 80's, a good 15-20 years after the feminist movement began in the US, and it really shows in this first season of TNG. (And suddenly, things turned ugly)

In this version of Star Trek, alongside the Captain, there is a female 'empath' called 'Troi', who can physically 'feel' emotion from crew mates and aliens (What's with the inverted commas?). Everytime something happens, Captain Picard turns to her, and she contorts her face and says things like "I feel great sorrow, captain..." (And? Are you angry that a MAN has to ask a WOMAN for advice?). The Chief Medical Officer is now also female (So? Lots of doctors are women), but considering 'Bones' from the original series behaved like an hysterical female (Sexist stereotyping much?), there isnt much change in the charactor character. Head of Ship's Security Lieutenant Yar, is, again, female (What a bitch, how dare she hold a position of authority. Women should stay in the kitchen making dinner and darning socks). One of the oddest things about this first season is the first 6 episodes. In 2 of those episodes, the female Lt. Yar talks about 'rape squads' when she was a young girl on her home planet. Why that needed to be injected into Star Trek, I really have no idea (It's called character back-story. It's what good TV shows do). Whats more, in these opening episodes, the aliens that the enterprise encounter are male barbarians, who say things like "FEMALES?! CLOTHED?! SERVING ABOARD A STARSHIP?!" (You are referring to the Ferengi who appeared in episodes 5 and 9. I'm pretty sure these were the only aliens who could possibly be described as 'male barbarians'), while the crew of the enterprise smugly look down on them (Those feminist pricks). There's a definate definite misandric (The term is misandrous) undertone to those first 6 episodes. (No. There isn't. Equality isn't misandrous. It's equal)

It gets less man-hating as you go through the season (How can it? It wasn't 'man-hating' to start with), but episodes keep popping up where female charactors characters are seen as victims of the 'male' charactors characters/aliens, who are backward savages (Do they? I hadn't noticed. Maybe because I don't have a chip on my shoulder larger than the Taj Mahal). 

The best example of the feminization in this first season, is in episode 18 'Home Soil'. An alien is onboard the Enterprise, and the ship starts to lose power, and the female engineer says "WE CANNOT STOP IT CAPTAIN! IT MAY AFFECT THE SURGERY.. OR THE NURSERY.." (I agree. We should definitely let those sick people and young children die. That'll teach them for being defenseless. Any man who thinks otherwise is a pussy) !! hilarious. (No. Just no.)

There are no real male charactors  (other than the Captain, and thats debatable) (True except for LaForge, Riker, O'Brien, Worf, Wesley, many of the background characters and arguably Data is masculine. I'm pretty sure Picard is a man, to be honest. He doesn't have breasts for one thing). Commander Riker's face looks asthough as though he's just been divorced by his wife (Have you just been divorced? Is that where this hatred of anything female has come from?), and Lt. Commander Worf, an alien from the Klingon warrior race, seems to have been neutered. (You know, except for his near-constant anger and general über-manliness)

Also, The crew seem to be godless (Yes. Welcome to the world of Star Trek. That's the way Roddenberry wanted it), and look down on 'primitive' alien religions (When? Examples please), which I found quite annoying. Personally Im not religious, but I didnt like how matter-of-fact and condescending they were about it. (Again, when?) 

There are a couple of episodes which arnt aren't overly feminised (All episodes, in fact) , 'Arsenal of Freedom' is particularly good. 

If your you're buying this as a present for a young boy as a christmas present or for a birthday, better to get Star Trek - The Original Series (with Captain Kirk, Spock, and bones Bones). (Or better yet, ignore your ridiculous 'review' (I use this word very loosely here) based only on your prejudices, and get them this very good set)