Star Trek The Next Generation

 Data. An android. One of the coolest characters in TNG.
Image via Gunaxin

Being the rebel that I am, I'm doing things a little bit differently today. Yes, instead of choosing several reviews from one item, this post will have 4 reviews by the same reviewer, with all reviews for different seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Not only are this man's opinions ill-thought, but his facts are downright wrong. We shall start, predictably enough, with his review for season 1. It starts quite well, the end is a little shaky though:

I tried to like it I really did, but there are just too many dud episodes per season to be anything like consistant. (I'm sorry, but earlier in your review you said how much you loved The Original Series. If you think that they were consistent, and had fewer dud episodes then you obviously haven't seen them since you hit puberty. They're patchier than a badly mended Teddy Bear)

I am only buying it because they are such a good reduced price.

Nothing too bad you're no doubt thinking. And I'd agree. If it weren't for his next reviews, he would never have graced this blog with his presence. Here's season 2:

Well, after a totally lack-lustre first season (The why did you give it 3 stars? That suggests you felt it was average, not lack-lustre), I would really like to say that the second season is a fantastic improvement.

I would really like to, but unfortunately I just cannot. (Oh I bet you could)

In truth, season two is no better than the first, in at least one aspect it is actually worse. (Ooh! I am on tenterhooks at the edge of my seat!)

I just cannot get emotionally engaged by the shallow cyphers that pass as main characters on this series (They're not entirely shallow, they all get developed as the series goes on. Maybe you just have that thing where you can't form emotional attachments, like Dexter from Dexter...). There is the London girl doing that monumentally awful east European accent asking everyone how they feel about things (She's a councillor, that's pretty much her job. And her accent isn't that awful), a Klingon that is about as amped up (judging by the movie Klingons) as a flat battery (He was raised by humans, give poor Worf a chance to develop you prick!), a blind bridge officer that steers the ship (yes folks, a blind man has his hands on the steering wheel :0 ! (Xenophobic much? And he has a VISOR so he can 'see'. Meaning he's just as qualified as anyone else)), then there's the gay robot (Homophobic much? And he's not gay. Where the fuck did you get that from? You must have looked pretty hard), humour that is so forced it is cringe inducing (Nope, never really noticed that either. But then, maybe I'm wrong. But, then, I'm never worng...) and an Executive Officer that does not know what to do with his hands and walks like John Wayne! (What? Seriously, where the fuck are you getting all of this?) And who can forget the, by now, infuriating and brain cruchingly stupid..."We have a major - and in all likelyhood potentially FATAL - situation, so what shall we do about it? I know, let's all leave the bridge and have a good long chat about things in our special 'Sit Down And Talk About Things Alot' room at the back of the ship" (Yes. Because running round like a headless chicken is really going to help.)

Please! 

And, good grief, even by this second season...they were already having money problems??! How could that have happened, at $1 million per episode? But it surely did because the final episode of this season, the one that is normally the cliff-hanger, and is designed to make you want to watch the next season..? 

A 42 minute cut-together of flash-backs, taken from previous episodes. When a show does this it is usually a sign that all is not well and that corners have been cut cost-wise. (Now, here is where the quality of his research really pays off... Actually, there was a writer's strike that cut the season short. They desperately needed another episode, so the producers quickly made this because it required very little fresh writing. All makes perfect sense)

I really expected this to be the final season. (Well, then you're a fool.)

The stupidity continues:

Well, season three of Next Gen is the series where it really began to reach some of the potential that it supposedly had. (Still given 3 stars though...)

Hang on a minute...it took how long to actually get to the good episodes? (Encounter at Farpoint was good. And that was the pilot...) Three seasons? If this had been any other TV SF series it would have been canned after 1 season, never mind three (Except others felt it was good. It had its share of poor episodes, yes, but far fewer than TOS ever did. And it was drawing in more than enough viewers). $1 million per episode and it didn't hit its stride until its third season in? (Quite a few series take a while to really get good. It's not unusual)

Scandalous. Paramount were clearly under huge pressure to a) prove that 'new' TREK was superior to classic TREK (Mission accomplished already then) b) keep a flagship SF show on the air to compete with the fact that BABYLON 5 was gaining year-for-year in the ratings. (Compete with Babylon 5? Babylon 5 didn't have its pilot till 1993, 3 years after season 3 of TNG finished! The actual series didn't begin until 1994. Could the producers of Trek see into the future or something? Fucktard.)

In a climate that dictates that some shows do not even get passed 6 episodes before they have the plugged pulled and a mid-season replacement is brought into production...three seasons is a crime that should never have happened. (Are you a writer/producer whose SF show didn't last a season by any chance?)

That said, Patrick Stewart and Jonathan Frakes continue to be the best thing about NEXT GEN (Well, there's a back-handed compliment if ever there was one). It sure as hell is not the effeminate 'droid (Leave Data alone! He's far cooler than you ever will be. And he is widely regarded to be an excellent character. His desire to be human was one of the series' greatest arcs), the wobbley accented counsellor, the pointless night club (sorry, staff canteen) generally poor stories, horrendous acting and tortuously contrived humour. 

It does, however, have one of the best season finales ever made (At last, we agree about something!). Sadly the fantastic "Best Of Both Worlds" Part One is not just great enough to carry a whole season. (It's a good thing it didn't have to then...)

And finally, season 4:

Well they certainly took long enough to get here but there are a fair number of pretty good episodes in this season (This season also gets 3 stars. Do you think he knows that there are more ratings?). I think they seriously stopped trying to compete with BABYLON 5 by going for more than 3 seasons, BABYLON 5 being the first space-based US TV show to do so. (Seriously now. What the fuck? Where are you getting this information? The Idiot's Guide To Being An Idiot? All of that is wrong. I mean ALL of it.) 

Picture quality did improve too in this season, I am not entirely sure why as this is as they were still using the "shoot it on film and then edit it on video" technique adopted by many TV shows of the time. (Maybe the video got better)

Audio also switched to Dolby Pro-Logic (which has stereo left+Right Centre and Surrounds), rather than just bog standard surround (Stereo Left+Right and Surrounds) to give clearer sound and the FX were taken over by FOUNDATION IMAGING - the company that had done the revolutionary BABYLON 5 FX for the first three years of that show - and done in CG rather than actual models. (Nope. IF did do Babylon 5 seasons 1-3, but they would never do TNG. They did DS9 from the season 5 finale onwards, and Voyager from season 3)

A slight improvement over the first three years, but still certainly not brilliant and certainly not as good as many people claim, nor as good as it should have been. (Oh piss off will you. You're reviews have almost as many holes in them as the Bible)

Sorry to have made such a long post, but I was determined to mock this man as much as possible... Till next time gentle readers!