Inception

We should get Nolan into the Witness Protection
Programme asap...   Image courtesy of Enter the Movies

I really liked Inception, Christopher Nolan's 2010 intelligent blockbuster. I thought it was one of the standout films of the year, but what do I know? These people seem so sure that they are right that they couldn't possibly be wrong. Could they?:

Please, do not see it. I know that all your friends keep telling you that your life won't be complete if you haven't, but please, for the love of God, don't fall for it. (You can't order people not to see it you know. We are all free to see whichever films we chose. Even - shock horror! - ones that you don't care for)

Like many others, I went to go see it because of the hype. I had seen about a billion five star reviews (So what makes your review more worthy than a billion others?), "exceptional" they had called it, "best film I've ever seen", don't listen to them, they are lying to you (Whoa! That's a little paranoid isn't it? I mean for you to disagree with them is fine, but to decide that most of the world's critics and all your friends have orchestrated this massive lie, just to make you see a film? That's more than a little nuts). I expected something amazing, I mean insanely good, like on a par with someone offering me a holiday home in the Maldives for free, where I'd be waited on hand and foot, it turned out to be like passing out drunk on my mate's sofa in the town centre (Why does your mate have a sofa in the middle of a town? Shouldn't it be in a room?). 

From the get go, the story is totally bizarre. There is a fine line between bizarre and genius, this film is not genius (Oh, I hadn't realised you were the man designated by the world's leaders to pass final judgement on all things). I'm all for a psychologically challenging, original screenplay, seriously, it's what I live for (Then why don't you love this then?), but this was just something else. It didn't confuse me as such, it just made no sense (Ah. You're an idiot that's why you didn't love it. The film made perfect sense. You clearly just didn't understand it and don't want to admit it in front of all of us liars...). And I managed to understand the Matrix the first time I watched it (That's no great feat. It was quite a straightforward film, really. Everything is explained fairly early on in the film). Even though the storyline annoyed me (How did it annoy you? Were you upset that a man wanted to see is kids again or something?), the ending just proved to aggravate me more (Since he couldn't be fucked, I'll tell you: there are SPOILERS up ahead). "It was all a dream" (No. The ending is ambiguous. It's left open to your interpretation whether the totem stops or not. I believe it falls - after all, that wobble was never seen in any dream before - but but that is not the 'definite' ending, just what I took it to be. If you want to see it as a dream that's just as valid, but don't complain - 'cos you're the one who made it like that). Seriously? Just spoon my eyes out now (Okay, where do you live?). I don't know if it was some cheap ploy to initiate "Inception 2 - This time, it's real, no really, it is" (I doubt there'll be a sequel. Where would it go?), I left the cinema feeling incredibly cheated and strangely depressed... (Well, as I explained, that's your fault not Nolan's)

On the other hand, the acting is very commendable (Woohoo! We agree on something!). I thought it was well cast, but I failed to empathise with anyone, bar Tom Hardy. DiCaprio was excellent, as per usual (even if his films do become more confusing and peculiar as his career progresses), but the similarities between Inception and his most recent film, Shutter Island, were uncanny, I mean, the dead wife, the insanity, but all the same, he plays a good role. (Actually, I agree with most of this, except the empathise bit, but I'll let that slide)

Marion Cotillard genuinely scared me. Her performance as Mal was pretty chilling and made me want to watch more of her films. 
But for me, Tom Hardy stole the show (He was very strong). He made me smile every time he appeared on screen; he provided some comedy throughout a film that I was incredibly bored in, his character was the only one I genuinely cared about, I found myself sitting forward during the snow scene, vowing that if Nolan killed him off, I would personally kill all the writers (Whoa once more! That's a little scary my friend. Don't you think you're taking all this a little personally? Can someone please get this guy a straight jacket before he kills some other hapless screenwriter?). My friend found this hilarious but eventually agreed to help me (Probably because they were scared you would practice your murdering on them if they said no!). 

Do yourself a favour and don't watch it. You will feel the compelling need to watch it over and over again (Well, that is a risk. Because it's so good), wasting your life, simply to work out why you feel so depressed by the end. (It wasn't that depressing if you took the other potential ending...)

They say you should always leave your audience wanting more. But what do they know?:

Disliked this film a lot. I thought Shutter Island was poor from Leo 'til (I think you'll find it's 'till' not ''til'. Till is not a contraction of 'until', but is far older and stems from Old Norse and dates back to 800, until does not appear till 1200 or so. This may seem petty but I don't care.) I saw this. 

Incredibly overrated, avoid. (What the fuck? This isn't a review! It's a couple of your unsubstantiated and unquantified opinions alongside a comparison of the film in question with another film. Please look at reviews from the likes of Roger Ebert, Kim Newman and Mark Kermode before attempting one again.)

Till next time, in the immortal words of Porky Pig, "That's All Folks!"