Paul's Rules, number 4 (except done by Ben...)

Yes, I've hijacked my friend's idea. What's he gonna do? Sue me? Actually, he probably will, but never mind...

One of the worst things anyone can do when reviewing a film (apart from disagree with me, obviously) is to review a film without having seen all of it. No matter how bad the film is, if you switch it off before the credits are rolling, you lose all rights to review it.

A film critic wouldn't review a film he had not seen, or seen only part of, so why do you people on Amazon believe you can do it? If you miss the end, then you will also miss crucial parts of the story. If, for example, you missed the end of The Sixth Sense, you'd miss the twist at the end that changes the whole film. If you only watched the first half hour or so of Audition, you would forever believe it to be a romantic comedy, never to know the horrible truth. To review either of these films without knowing the full plot would be grossly unfair to them. The strange thing is, people seem perfectly happy with reviewing a film they only see the first half of or sleep through the middle of, but don't review films that they missed the start of. People seem to forget that the ending of a film can have an effect on how the whole film works as a whole.

The moral of this piece is: to avoid appearing on this website, watching any films you intend on reviewing from start to finish is a good place to start.

Paul's Rules number 3: Free Lovin'

This is a rule DVD box maker people: Don't tell me what I love!
 You know when you get a DVD, and it tells you what else to watch? Yea. That should be illegal. Bloody dictator DVDs, with their dictating. They're as bad as actual dictators. Well, maybe not. But I digress. Let me give you a case study:

 To my left is the DVD box for Spartacus, A must-have movie - Directed by Stanley Kubrick. The story of the historical Roman legend. Yes, I copied it off the box. Well, you know the film I mean. Right, standard blurb, picture, notes about the DVD features then Wham! 2/3s of the way down is this message:

IF YOU LIKE "SPARTACUS" YOU'LL LOVE...[There's a big picture of the 1932 Scarface box here. Imagine it]

Oh, what? I'll love it? Love it? So what you're saying is that:

1. The product I've bought is not my soul-mate.
2. You know exactly what I like, dislike and love based purely on me looking at the back of a box
3. I'm Spartacus.

But seriously? You can assure me, a complete stranger, that I will love this film, when you don't even know if I love the film I've presumably bought? I mean, I might just be reading this box because I'm bored, or because it's fallen on my face, or because 2 nuns are forcing me at gunpoint. Who knows? But you can make such statements with absolute certainty?

 Well, I can tell you this: I love my gran-mama, I love my girlfriend, and I love sexually assaulting ducks. I do not love 1932 Scarface. Don't get me wrong: I don't loath the film, I quite enjoyed it. Particularly the man who was crap at answering phones. I admire it, I'm impressed by the contribution it made to film history. But I don't love it. No sir, I do not.
 So, by all means, recommend films I may like based on what I appear to have purchased. But don't organise a wedding for the pair of us. And please, don't make me stick my penis in another DVD player.

Paul's Rules, number 2

None of these people stole your DVDs. Leave them alone. Image by CharlesFred via FlickrYour Order. It is not the fault of the product that it cannot make it's own way to your home, where you sit eagerly on your over-sized posterior, fellating a hotdog, mustard dripping down your chin onto your shirt. Yes, I see you. You disgust me. But I digress: the point of a product review on Amazon is to review a PRODUCT. Amazon has a separate grievance programme if your package does not arrive. If it is damaged, delayed, falsely advertised, or just doesn't exist, you can report the seller. You can review him or her on a SEPERATE PAGE. Please, please, please don't leave a review on any classic film, book or pornographic artwork saying:

•  "Teh package never arrived!!111 I ordered this from amazon on tuesday and it hasnt arrived! I havnt contacted them yet"
•  "I bought this dvd and enjoyed it. However, two bears ate my tv shortly afterwords. Since I cannot watch this anymore, I'm giving the product one star in case the bonus features were crap."
•  "I bought this DVD from TheLieberman1979 and it is scratched. Fucking Jews! Stealing my money! Someone should do something about them!"

These comments, while demonstrating real grievances (Except the last one. The fact you live in the same world as the Jews is not a real grievance.) are misfiled. Often they are also grossly stupid, so you don't feel any sympathy for the original poster. If you want something done, leave a comment in the right place. And don't be a twat.

Paul's Rules, number 1.

Don't be a complete Kant.
Image via Wikipedia.

Language. If you buy a film with an "18" rating on the front, you cannot give it one star on Amazon because they said fuck 42 times. Or any other number of times. The point I am making is that a modern, 18+ film will contain many naughty words. You cannot then go and say "I am shocked that Hot-Assed porn sluts shooting people and committing other crimes while taking drugs and drinking (In 3D) contained 12 used of the "f***" word. Do not watch this film because a man might have said the C-word!!!!" Confusions relating to Immanuel Kant aside, this is the modern world. I am sorry it offends you, but no-one is making you watch films, and you have no right to try and censor them with your crappy, crappy Amazon reviews.