Friday, 8 July 2011


These Transformers were cool.
With the release of Transformers: Dark of the Moon to the audible sound of critics tearing out their hair in desperation, I thought I'd revisit the original. And mock anyone who gave it 5 stars. While not the gangrenous, pus-filled wound that the later films become, it is by no sane man's measure a great film. These reviewers aren't sane men...:
This was this summer's best film (Harry Potter 5? That was a better film. So was The Simpsons, Die Hard 4.0 and The Bourne Ultimatum. And then there were smaller films released in the summer of '07 like 1408 and Rescue Dawn which are both way ahead of this trash.) and the best action film I've seen in ages (Really? I take it you missed the Bourne trilogy then? And the first 2 X- Men movies. And Batman Begins. I really could go on, but this post would just become a list of films released in the few years prior to 2007...). 
Forget 'Independence Day' this movie has FAR MORE PACE THAN THAT (No it doesn't. It's overly long and drags in a number of places. Plus, Independence Day is a film that has better actors, directors and scriptwriters. And far more humanity.). More like the first Terminator film. (Did you really just liken this piece of crap with one of the best and most important action films ever made? James Cameron is a piece of shit, but at least he used to make good films. Unlike Michael Bay who is a piece of shit who doesn't even know what a good film is, let alone how to go about making one. Now, if I ever catch you likening a Bay movie to a stone-cold classic ever again, I will take the largest Optimus Prime toy I can find, and force it up your urethra. And then I'll beat you to death with a Megatron...) 
I saw this with my 4 kids aged 11, 8, 6 and 4 in the cinema. They along with this 45 year old just loved this movie from start to finish (The children can be excused for youthful inexperience. But you should go back to school. Preferably a film school... One that still uses corporal punishment.). 
It is visceral (It isn't, though, is it? Bay even manages to make robots hitting other robots dull. Probably because in every fight it is impossible to work out which robot is which, or which bit of metal belongs to which robot.) without being scary and funny (in places) without being naff (The attempts at humour are cringe-makingly awful.) and it just looks GREAT! (The CGI is pretty good. But what's the point when you can't tell what's what?)
I would agree with the comment made earlier - Big screen TV for this along with surround sound or you'll have wasted your money. (Whatever you watch it on, you've wasted your money. And given that hack director some more money to butcher cinema.)
p.s Female lead is pretty fit, too! (She has a name. It is Megan Fox. Though thank you for summing up Bay's lecherous and misogynistic attitude to women.)
Here's another one:
I was expecting alot from this film (For the love of God why?). Michael Bay & Stephen Spielberg? (Michael Bay directing made you want to see this film? Michael Bay is very probably the worst director this side of Uwe Boll) Rich source material (It's a children's toy!) and enormous transforming robots (These are cool.)? This should be the best movie ever! (Anything that has Bay involved is automatically in the bottom half...)
I went along to the cinema with my wife (yeshy-mesh (?)) after watching all of the other Summer "blockbusters" and we were both blown away! (Clearly you have no taste whatsoever)
It was funny (If you find wooden acting and one-note direction funny, I suppose...), exciting (Not that exciting. Repetitive maybe...), loud (Now that's true. Except that I would say being loud was a negative...), expressionate (That's not even a word.), did justice to the original cartoon (It shat all over the, from what I remember, brilliant cartoon.) and captured my attention for the whole movie (It was dull!).
I loved it, I enjoyed every aspect of the movie especially the "lubricating the human" scene (This is a children's movie. A human peeing on someone was only shown on television for the first time in 1980, I refuse to believe that in only 30 years it has become acceptable for children to see such things.). I won't be buying the DVD (Nor will I. Unless as a punishment for something...). Because I made a resolution to myself that i would buy a HD-DVD/Blu-Ray player so i can watch this movie in all of its glory. (I've got a blu-ray player. I hope it will never have to touch this rubbish.)
Best film of the summer (I already explained why it wasn't. Look up there ☝ for a list.)
Lastly, I'll cast my eye over this one:

No words can possibly express how TOTALLY OUT OF THIS WORLD this movie is (Are you serious? I really hope you're taking the piss.). Transformers 2007 is the most amazing (How is it amazing?), exciting (I've said before that isn't as exciting as big robots being hit by other big robots should have been.), emotionally-heart tearing (What? When? The film had all the emotion of a porn film), tear-jerking (Are you lying? Paid by Bay? Or just in denial?), action-packed (Well there was plenty of 'action' I'll give you that), the most funniest (Most funniest? Learn your language.), coolest, just....WONDERFUL movie I have ever seen in the history of movies (Don't watch many films do you? This will never replace The Godfather an Citizen Kane at the top of Best Movie lists. And for a very good reason.). At this present time, I can't tell you anything about the special features on the DVD as it's not even been released yet, so I can only give you a review on the actual movie itself (What a pity. We could have been treated to you telling us that the 'making of' was also better than Taxi Driver...)
To put it all into a nutshell (Even a detailed synopsis would take a few sentences.), the story revolves around a young man named Sam Witwicky. He's not very popular at school, but he's in love with a beautiful young lady named Mikeala (I think you'll find he lusts after her. Bay wouldn't know love if he fell over it. Unless it appeared as a woman's arse or an explosion.), who's in his class. His dream has always been to get his first car and hopefully impress the woman he loves at the same time. He gets his new car, (as well as the lady), who just happens to be the autobot, Bumblebee, who saves his life and they become best friends (As you do.). Eventually, Bumblebee introduces Sam and Mikeala to his other friends, Optimus Prime, Ratchet, Jazz and Ironhide (who is extremely trigger-happy in this movie). Optimus explains the important role that Sam has to play in order to help the Autobots save the human-race and the world from the Decepticons and...well, you're gonna have to watch the rest (Well that's really about it.). I've already gone to the cinema to see it...FOUR times, LOL! (Then you are one of the many responsible for the sequels. When I come to power anyone who has paid to see these films twice or more will be crucified. Literally, there'll be a cross and some thieves and everything.)
Michael Bay certainy did a MAGNIFICENT job on making this movie (But you can't see what's happening most of the time.). This is truly a masterpiece in the history of the Transformers (This film and "masterpiece" should never be in the same paragraph. Except right there where the inverted commas make it okay.). The selection of music and songs they chose for the soundtrack also makes an exciting listening experience and fits each part of the movie perfectly. (It's over dramatic and too loud.)
The acting, computer animation and real-life robots look INCREDIBLY AMAZING and VERY, VERY, VERY REAL INDEED. (The acting is piss-poor from pretty much everyone. How is it even possible to get bad performances from John Turturro and Jon Voight? And you know the robots don't exist in real-life right?)
Optimus Prime: FREEDOM IS THE RIGHT OF ALL SENTIENT BEINGS! (Except those who believe this to be an excellent film. They should be put to work in mines where they'll never get to see the sun again. That'll learn 'em.)
Right that's enough for now. I may well do some reviews for the second one too, if I can work up the courage to watch the hateful thing...

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