The Wire (Yes that's right, I'm back for a 3rd go.)

Look at these 'stunted minds'. They're probably trying to
destroy that chess board because they're so stupid.
And they're probably swearing while they do it too...

Way back on 31st August 2010 I wrote my first post for this fine blog. My chosen topic was the critically acclaimed cult HBO series The Wire. Since then, my love for this series has only grown and I wholeheartedly agree with those that hold David Simon's creation to be the greatest work of television to ever hit our screens. Now, I'm back again to have a further go at anyone who slags it off for stupid reasons. For those who don't yet know, The Wire follows various characters and their interactions with the many problems of the city of Baltimore, Maryland. These characters centre on those in the police force, and the drug pushers on the corners in the early seasons before expanding to the schools, politicians and the media as it progressed.

Now we're all caught up, let's get cracking on the first review:

I have watched the whole of Season 1 which was very hard going (although I was told this beforehand so it was expected) (You found it all hard going? The first few episodes are I definitely agree. But after that I started to get a feel for the characters and the storyline and it all became much easier to follow.) but was told Season 2 really picks up and is amazing, probably best thing you will ever see (Yeah, season 2 is possibly my favourite. It's between 2 and 4 for me.). 6 episodes into Season 2 I am about to give up, just don't get what the fuss is all about, very disappointing (What? How can you not yet have fallen in love with it? Although at least you've given it a fair crack, so you are already head and shoulders ahead of most people who feature here. Congratulations!). Can think of at least 5 series I have watched (24, Lost, Prison Break, Soprano's, Breaking Bad) that blow The Wire away in terms of storyline/plots, characters, tension, excitement, basically what should keep you interested in a show such as this. (You have slightly ruined it there though. 24 is a borderline fascist, insane programme that became a parody of itself pretty quickly. Lost, I feel, is incredibly overrated and maybe if the writers had spent less time patting themselves on the back and smiling smugly about all the philosophers they'd referenced they could have made the last 5 seasons as good as the first one. Prison Break was possibly more insane than 24. The last two though are excellent that more than deserve the plaudits they have received.)

The Wire is quite frankly overrated and boring in my opinion (At least you recognise it's only your opinion. Again putting you ahead of most.). All the shows I have mentioned, when you watch an episode you want to watch another straight after (Oh. Like what I do with The Wire.). Not the case with The Wire, takes a big effort to sit through a whole episode in one sitting (For you. I don't believe I've ever stopped an episode of The Wire part way through unless I've suddenly had to go somewhere. Or that one time I came down with a bad case of death... Although the latter might have been a dream...). Unless someone can convince me that its worth the effort I cannot see myself watching another minute. (If you don't watch the rest you'll have a Wire-shaped hole in your life. Will that do?)

Well that was a surprisingly soft, profanity-free opener. Let's see if I can keep that up with a second:

This was bought on the strength of all the rave reviews (There were a lot of rave reviews it's true. Still, it's nice that you think you are cleverer than pretty much all critics...). Had we not had the subtitles, we would not have understood a single word (Really? Not a single word? I mean I could understand not understanding some words but all of them? I think that you're a liar.). The biggest turn off was the constant VERY BORING use of the F word (Oh fuck off.), totally unnecessary and showing a complete lack of imagination for good dialogue (It was necessary because, and I want you to listen carefully now, that is how people speak. Corner boys haven't had elocution lessons you know. People swear. Get over it. It was entirely in keeping with the scenarios and characters depicted, to have drug dealers and the cops who try to stop them not swear would have made the whole series laughably inaccurate. Diminishing the power of the show. Also, I find your use of block capitals totally unnecessary and showing a complete lack of imagination for good writing/reviewing skills.). Anybody want the DVD, as having sat through one episode, we will definitely not watch any more of it (For fuck's sake. How many times will people do this? You can't write a proper review for something if you have watched less than a tenth of the product. Look, you bastard, if you want to write a review for something you cannot stop part way through. If you do then your review is little help to anyone.). What a total waste of money. (What a total waste of anyone who reads this' time.)

Well, it was never going to last was it? Those previous reviews were both reviews for season 1 from amazon.co.uk, these next two are for The Complete HBO Seasons 1-5, also from amazon. He's the first, short, review:

Absolutely awful!! (I see. Presumably the rest of the review will detail exactly all the things that are wrong with the programme to deserve that opening gambit.) Every other word began with 'F' (That's a damn lie and you know it. I'm tempted to get the scripts and work out the ratio of words beginning with 'f' to words that don't. I'm willing to gamble the life of my flatmate that the ratio is lower than 1:1)  - no need for such terrible language (You know, unless it was because it was necessary.). Total rubbish - no story line (What? I mean honestly. What? I realise that almost all of what I spout are my own angry opinions passed off as fact, but the idea that The Wire has no story is just downright wrong. It's a novel you can watch. The whole series is all plot.) - gutted I bought the whole series - will have to re-sell it (At least it'll go to someone who isn't too stupid to understand it.). I just cannot understand how people can give this a good rating! (Because they are much, much smarter than you.)

Well maybe the final review will be well argued and not stupid? I wouldn't hold my breath though...:

I have managed to sit through the first 3 episodes of series one and find myself bewildered as to why this is so highly rated (Because the story is strong, the acting is superb, the series has important points to make... that sort of thing). One of the reasons for watching films or reading books is to to meet interesting people (Surely then, The Wire is right up your street. There are as many interesting characters as there are, well, characters.). In this example we are presented with a collection of characters none of whom can construct a coherent sentence (Yes they can, the sentences are merely quite sweary too...). In fact there seems to be a relentless pursuit, almost a celebration of illiteracy in the interests of authenticity (Yeah, 'cause depicting things as they are definitely makes problems worse... Maybe you should be attacking the Baltimore education system for not teaching the the Queen's English.). Contact with stunted, undeveloped, unambitious, unoriginal minds is not going to create interest but simply a sense of waste (Well, like it or not, these people exist. And your plan of pretending they don't will only make the problem worse. Making these people feel further detached from society as a whole would only make conflict between the cultures worse. On the plus side, you are precisely the kind of mindless jerk who'll be first up against the wall when the revolution comes.) Watching for example the drug addicts constantly passing pills between themselves (Yeah that's not the sort of thing drug addicts do...), made me think this may be an inspired parody but I soon realised it took itself seriously (Why would it be a parody? Do you find poverty and drug addiction funny or something? What kind of monstrous cunt are you? Are you in Cameron's cabinet or something?). Everything is sacrificed to the god of authenticity (Not everything. Certainly not story or characters or anything important) - there can be no romance just sex (Well if you'd watched more than 3 episodes you'd know that romance breaks through), there can be nothing uplifting or generous just corruption (Well that's because it's corruption. It's a series with a message. It is not chewing gum for the eyes.). I am afraid I find this bleak view of life unconvincing and cheap. (Well it's real so you'd better get used to it.)

That's all folks!