Pimp

A bad actor. Image via Wikipedia

Pimp is perhaps the worst film I've ever seen. As simple as that. Now, most of you out there probably haven't seen Pimp, because I fed all the copies of it to dogs. Or perhaps because it only grossed £205 in cinemas and had some decent DVD sales when twats bought it. Anyway, go look it up at Wikipedia or something, then put on your mocking pants as we go on an adventure through the mindset of fans of this Dyer (Because Danny Dyer's in it. Twas a pun) piece of sheep faeces.

Amazon.co.uk:

Slow to start (If by that, you mean you wished you were dead rather than watching it, yes) but once it got going reminiscent of Lock Stock (Except that was a good film. And pretty dissimilar to this piece of... art...) (Hello, Ben here. It really isn't like Lock Stock you know. Lock Stock featured lovable rogues being forced into doing bad things to avoid being brutally murdered by Hatchet Harry. Pimp, on the other hand, featured cunts doing cunty things for money.), for me a good gritty British film full of unfunny one liners. Dyer played a typical Dyer role (No he didn't. He played an atypical Dyer role because he was cast as some sort of porn Godfather. Like Don Corleone, except he isn't one of the greatest actors of all time.) (I'm pretty sure Dyer didn't change acting forever, like a certain Mr. Brando...)but for me was the star of the show, Wil Johnson showing he has talent in more than one area (You know you've got a good film where you call a minor role "the star") (Why is Johnson even in this? He's in Waking The Dead for God's sake, surely that pays the bills?). Thoroughly enjoyed - well worth a watch (What, if you want to be reminded there's no worth to human life? Yea, ok.).

Amazon.co.uk:

Definitely one to whack on once the kids have gone to bed (No! People like you shouldn't be allowed kids. When I'm in charge...). Pimp is dark, seedy, edgy and thrilling (Well, gloomy, seedy, attempting to be edgy and thrill-less. See what I did there?). Quality acting (Oh, I'm sorry. This must be the first film you've ever seen. I didn't realise you were new to the concept) particularly by the man Dyer (What's a man Dyer? Like a manray? Aww, now I'm imagining how much better the film would have been if it starred an actual manray). You need to be open minded to appreciate this film though (No, you need a closed mind. You need a mind that is closed to any kind of thought about culture, art, acting, women's rights, morality, race-relations and gorillas) - its very controversial and pretty sick in places (Yes, those places being the plot and message). As a bloke I thought it was great but I don't think the Mrs was so keen (Maybe she doesn't get "blokes", and doesn’t see casual misogyny for what it is - a great big laugh! Who cares about these prostitutes and porn actresses, let's focus on the moral dilemmas that face Pimps! They're the real victims here!). I'd say give it a go it and make up your own mind. I did and I have. I've been encouraged to make my own film, 2 hours of a man defecating on a baby. The only moral dilemma faced will deal with the problems of a low-fibre diet. And you know what? That sounds like a better film than Pimp.

Next, a man who lies to me.

Amazon.co.uk:

PIMP encompasses everything you could want from a film (No. No it does not, sir). It's gritty and real, sexy and exciting, terrifying and action-packed. (Oh, I see what happened here, you've watched the wrong film. Or, perhaps, you are a moron. Who should be eaten by bears) The film sees Danny Dyer running the show in the criminal underworld of Soho (And yet you claimed it was "real" only a sentence ago), which by the way should definitely be used more as the setting of films(Really? If anything, this film convinced me Soho should be consumed with fire so nothing like this is ever made again. But yea, lets remake Sleepless in Seattle, in Soho.), a wonderful backdrop for a film (wonderful might be pushing things a bit far champ). It is an incredibly intimate environment and gives the viewer a greater sense of immediacy and realism (Does it? Oh, I missed that. I was probably too busy not being stupid). Danny Dyer is his usual self (So he wrote another column where he recommended slashing a woman's face then?) (It's funny because he's a horrible human being. Beware though, he may come and 'smack [us] round the fucking cannister', whatever the fuck that means, like what he threatened Kermode with...) and that is not a bad thing at all (Yes it is.), he suits this exciting film perfectly and his performance reflects that (Yes, his performance did suit the film. Because both are shite). Robert Cavanah is however the star of the show (In a technical sense). Written, directed and Starring Cavanah (I prefered him when he was in the Royal. Yes, I like Heartbeat spin-offs set in 1960s hospitals), the film highlights this man's versatility and ability in all three departments (Yea. Definitely didn't watch the same film).


Gritty, sexy and real, PIMP is well worth checking out. I'm going to eat your face. I'm actually going to take it, and cook it on my George Foreman grill. Well not really, because that would be mad. But you get the point.

You used to be cool. When you
were Adam Carnegie in The Royal.

Next, a review comparable to Stalin's purges

Amazon.co.uk:

By virtue of its subject matter alone, any movie like this is going to divide opinion (Yes, between raging cunts and normal people). And as it seems to currently be Open Season on Danny Dyer it's easy to let these sentiments taint anything associated with him (I’d like an actual open season on Danny Dyer. We could lure him out of the woods with beer horns then shoot him when he tries to drink from a lake) (A man can dream though... a man can dream...). I think some of the Press reviews are blatantly falling into that trap. (What, of recognising he’s a barely competent actor, whose small talent is squandered by him being miscast in a terrible, badly-written stupid film? That was a trap?) First of all, Pimp is not for the faint-hearted (Arrgh! My angina!), and if you are easily offended then please look elsewhere because you won't like it (Incidentally, if you’re like me and not easily offended by films, you should still look elsewhere) (I second that motion. This film has no redeeming features whatsoever.)and you certainly won't be buying it for Auntie Gladys' Birthday (You’re right. Mainly because I don’t have an Auntie Gladys. And I don’t hate the aunts I do have enough to make them watch Pimp). It has loads of swearing, unsettling violence, sexual references, scenes of the nude female form, and otherwise material that one might safely describe as being of an adult nature (Yea, those can all be used in a way that is acceptable, artistic, thought-provoking or at least entertaining. Not in this film though. How could they make saying cunt and looking at boobies depressing?). This is one 18 Certificate richly deserved. (You know, I like our system of age ratings. But just sometimes, I come to support a total censorship programme, where films like Pimp are thrown into a big hole. Or the Sarlacc. I want Pimp to be thrown into the Sarlacc, and in his belly, it will find a new definition of pain and suffering as it is slowly digested over a thousand years)

On the plus side it has plenty of swearing, violence, sex... OK, just kidding (You prankster! You had me going for a minute!You wiley trickster, you. I should run you down with a van for being so funny). 

I think to merely describe the movie in these terms is actually to unfairly misrepresent a great first feature from this British team (Usually, I would agree. But that’s because films often use these things to illustrate a point, and have some substance bellow the violence, swearing and sexy sex. But Pimp didn’t. It just had the moral message that Pimps are people too, with problems and hardships. Which might be ok, if the problems didn’t usually concern women not being good prostitutes. And, to take a moderate, liberal moral stance, Pimps aren’t people, they’re parasites. Prostitutes are people, not that that really came across here when we watched an assortment of men leering at naked women, where we were supportive of beating women into compliance, or when gorilla-costumed rape and murder was advocated as an appropriate solution to the continued existence of Danny Dyer). What we have are some stellar performances from the likes of Wil Johnson, Billy Boyd (You were a hobbit! Why would you do this?) and Robert Cavanah, and even Danny Dyer (not altogether my cup of tea, either, usually (finally, you say something sensible. Unfortunately, it is the recognition that Danny Dyer isn’t a beverage. But still...) is gifted with some great one-liners and some of the best use of the four-letter-word yet committed to celluloid (What 4-letter word? Cunt? Fuck? Oats? Because I’m certain there are much better uses of all these words out there.)... And he is perfect for the role. (For someone who enjoyed this misogynistic, laddish piece of trash, you seem to have quite the erection for Danny Dyer.) 

I wanted to take issue with the remark about the film's opening box office as I am surprised by the figures quoted here. I do know that it was top ten in the week of release in many UK outlets (e.g. the local ones I went to (then I guess that was the one cinema everyone who saw it went to then. On a slow week. When the cinema caught dysentery), which was virtually simultaneous with the cinema release, so I checked up on the practice of a "multi-platform release" which apparently is what this is called (Yes. Because it is released on multiple platforms). Once again, the (one might innocently imagine) well-informed professional critics are guilty of painting a grossly misleading picture here. The truth is that this release model offers a better return for low-budget independents (Yet people usually turn up to see them). The film's brief cinema run unsupported by advertising satisfies the requirements of distribution, but I'm pretty sure the lack of posters, marketing, advance word, primetime slots and other promotion might have more to do with poor takings at the till than any lack of quality on offer. The movie was released on DVD, Blu-Ray, Filmflex, iTunes, Lovefilm etc and notched up 30,000 sales in 3 weeks. Not too shabby, if you ask me. (The point, I think they’re making, is that it was advertised in advance, but still no-one went to see it. Well, 24 people...  And sales do not make it praiseworthy as a piece of work.) (Also, 30,000 sales in 3 weeks is fucking awful. That's less than half a stadium. Hell, that's less than my town)

While this movie might not have the heavy gloss and slick styling of Hollywood (No. Nor the dazzling veneer of the 1980s), what it does have is an unflinching honesty (despite the fact, of course, that it is a work of fiction. So actually, it’s a lie) and b*lls to put it bluntly (I think it has to be uncensored to be blunt. For all I know, you could think the film has bills. I imagine it has a lot of bills. I'd sent it a bill. For being crap). It's like the difference between a sexy girl you pass in the street that sets your pulse racing versus the heavily retouched and apparently unblemished supermodel pouting at you from the cover of Cosmo (What? What does that mean? That’s a stupid comparison. You’re stupid.). Which is more real? (Neither, you made up both these things. You're a fucking liar! How do you expect me to trust your review if you keep lying. Have you ever even SEEN a woman?) So many of the reviews I have come across are simply gutless, lazy, misinformed, or often all three (And yet, people pay them for their opinion. No-one pays you, because you’re an idiot. Although this review is literally stuffed with guts, energy and information...). And a valiant undertaking from British talent deserves better (Yes. Yes it does. So when you find a valiant undertaking from British talent, let me know). If you are offended by Anglo-Saxon oaths, naked breasts and misogynistic attitudes, what on Earth would possess you to watch a movie called Pimp (Wait... Did you just argue in favour of misogyny then? Because it wasn’t being presented ironically, or as a subject of ridicule, or even just as the opinions of characters within the film. This film itself was misogynistic. It never suggested there was a deep down problem with the porn industry, or with pimping women. The hero is rewarded, at the end of the film, by being made a big pimp. El Head Pimpo. Yes, these things  exist, but this film suggests all we should do is leer at titties and torture the Chinese.)? And expect to like it? The fact is that it is the very truthfulness that underpins the film which so upsets people (How was it true? Do you think Danny Dyer is in charge of organised crime? I doubt he could organise a woman's face-cutting competition in a women's refuge. Because he approves of cutting women's faces, you see. Because he's a bad little man.). And to lambast the production for correctly portraying these facets of Soho's sex industry is frankly disingenuous (but it wasn’t an accurate portrayal of anything that has ever existed anywhere).

Really I think we might just be witnessing the emergence of a British Tarantino (I don't think so. Because Tarantino is good, you see. That's the difference here.), or the new Ritchie (Again, generally good. Except Swept Away. In fact, let's remake Swept Away starring Robert Cavanah. Then kill ourselves), and I believe Robert Cavanah is going to be someone you'll want to watch in the future. (Yup. I certainly want to know where he is at all times. Don't want him near my family)He's also a face you'll know from British TV even if you don't recognise the name immediately, having featured in the likes of Cracker, EastEnders, The Bill and Casualty amongst others, not to mention a clutch of big screen roles (And The Royal. Why does everyone forget The Royal?). I feel we should champion and celebrate our homegrown talent because that is something we are very bad at in this country (You raise a valid point. Do go on), and it's in all of our interests to support the creative industries if we want grown-up quality entertainment instead of the mindless mental bubblegum we are typically subjected to (usually by way of US imports). (Ah yes, I agree. So in favour of promoting home-grown talent, I’m taking a stance against home-grown pieces of shit. And I’m sure that’s something even Auntie Gladys can enjoy, from her rocking chair in your imagination) (Britain is in possession of a very fine movie industry. Just look at the success of The King's Speech. And our actors have been taking over America since the beginning, with the current crop including Christian Bale, Andrew Garfield, Henry Cavill and Mark Strong all at the forefront of major franchises. So why praise mediocrity like this?)