The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

It's a bloody film, not a documentary...
image via panicposters

One of the most famous western movies of all time (if not the most famous), The Good, the Bad and the Ugly stars Clint Eastwood in the spaghetti western to end all spaghetti westerns. An epic and sprawling film set in the Southern States during the American Civil War, the plot basically boils down to three men trying to find some Confederate gold. But there is so much more to the film than that. Though, predictably, there are those who disagree. Like this amazon.co.uk-based chump:

Is this film supposed to be a comedy ? (No. Not at all. Which is why it isn't funny.) (eg with Eli Wallach from the New York clasical school of over acting (The Ugly was supposed to be larger-than-life, it wasn't bad acting on Wallach's part.)). If so, it is in poor taste with the butchery of the civil war prominent. (But it wasn't, so it isn't. Though, of course, it wouldn't have been in poor taste even if it had been a comedy. Comedies have and always will be set in wars. They help us deal with the horrors of war, such as films like Catch-22 and M*A*S*H and even Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator are those movies 'in poor taste'?)

The civil war was not fought on the sand dunes of the Canary islands (It's a good thing the film was neither set, nor filmed there then...). 
Moreover, able-bodied young men in civilian dress would not be able to freely prance around in the civil war 'theatre'. (Actually, they would. The film was set in Confederate lands. The Confederates did not introduce conscription until 1862, and even then they could hire substitutes. Only 50,000 were true conscripts, with nearly 120,000 substitutes in the Union Army. Also, the South exempted many groups, including planters from the conscription, so it would probably be pretty easy really.)

Clint is burnt to a cinder in the sun and yet within a few days has a baby soft complexion (It's a fecking film. Not everything will be absolutely accurate). Eli is beaten to a pulp and yet somehow manages to keep all his teeth and his engaging smile. (Again, film!)

A overlong, overrated lot of nonsense (It really isn't overrated. The shots are just beautiful for a start). Clint only made two good westerns: 
Josey Wales and Pale Rider (Those are both good films, but neither is as good as this. And he made plenty more good westerns including High Plains Drifter and Hang 'Em High alongside the rest of the Dollars Trilogy). The only Leone western worthy of a repeat viewing is For a Few dollars More due to Lee Van Clef , a better script and better music. (I very much like For A Few Dollars More, but I maintain that The Good... is the better film. And all of Leone's westerns are excellent.)

Now, we move across the pond to look at some reviews from amazon.com:

 Sergio Leone plumbed his greatest depths of nitwittedness when he essayed the script for this travesty (And how are you going to justify and explain that opening gambit?). Still, people are watching it 35 years later, so his financiers got something out of it (And so have most of the people who have watched it. They got 3 hours of enjoyment for whatever price they paid. Fair trade, I'd say). It would take the film's full running time to detail how bad it is but one scene captures some of the flavor (Oh I bet it wouldn't take that long to explain...). Prisoner Eli Wallach the Ugly is being transported to the gallows by Union troop train when he throws himself and his guard out the door of a crowded boxcar. Nobody says hey (Maybe they were just pretty shocked about the whole thing?), train never stops (I think it unlikely that the driver/engineer would notice someone jumping off the train. It's not like they have wing mirrors), and neither does another express coming the other way when Wallach uses it to cut the cuffs between him and his dead captor, despite the fact that the deceased is laying in the middle of the tracks (Again, there is no windscreen to look forward out of. And besides, have you ever tried to stop a train? It takes quite a lot of time). Leone knew exactly nothing about the American West (I'm pretty sure he knew at least a bit...) and neither do the people who enjoy his ludicrously mismanaged fantasies about the time and place. (Actually, I think it's fairly safe to say that Leone's violent and brutal westerns were far more true to the reality than John Wayne's jolly cowboy delusions.)

And here's another:

I have seen many pathetic films in my life. This topped them (Clearly you haven't seen any pathetic films at all. Or your film appreciation senses are wa-ay out of whack.). Did I rate one star? (Yes you did. And I think you know you did. Because you're a dick.) Sorry- I meant negative 11 stars (Then you really are a moron without hope of redemption.). It was the absolute worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life (Really? Was it? You've never seen a Uwe Boll movie? Or a Michael Bay movie? Because they knock on that particular door. Not this.). It was a total waste of three hours when I could have been sleeping (That's the only other thing you can think of to do in three hours?). There was no point (The journey? Entertainment? They're 'points'). The script and storyline were pathetic (They are not the strong point of the film, but they are very far from 'pathetic'). The gore was overdone- too much blood, killing, and the like (I don't remember much blood at all. When are you reviewing this from? 1966? Have you seen modern films?). It was totally historically inaccurate (It's a piece of fucking fiction! It really doesn't matter!), and the Civil War scenes were so grossly unrealistic that it was laughable (In what way? I've seen far less realistic depictions of war). All Civil War veterans are rolling over in their graves (Trust me, they won't be.). Any scene that was supposed to be touching was pathetic (Examples? Why were they 'pathetic'? Please explain yourself). One of the abolsute bombs was when Clint Eastwood fires off a canon twice with his cigar- yet he does not even load it- either time (Oh the horror! The horror!). And somehow, without even aiming the canon, he knocks his 'friend' off his horse. (Suspension of disbelief?)

The movie is a failure. F-A-I-L-U-R-E (And you're an idiot, a.k.a I-D-I-O-T). Crappy. Junky. Just plain DUMB. STUPID. PATHETIC. (In a freaky coincidence, those are the words I'd use if I were reviewing you review. Which I am. So, sir, you're attempt at a review was crappy. You're analysis was junky, you're opinions were dumb, you're complaints were stupid, and you're conclusions pathetic.)

I am not going to waste any more words on it. Just....whatever you do....save your money (So you have 'wasted' some more words then, haven't you?). Don't buy it. It's not worth 50 cents. (No it isn't. It's worth far more than that.)

Well, I think I'm going to stop now, since I seem to have managed to avoid actually threatening anyone this time...

Unforgiven

I can't forgive these stupid reviews...Cover of Unforgiven [Blu-ray]

Holding a 96% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and nominates as the 4^th best Western of all time by the American Film institute, Unforgiven is a good film. Obviously. Of course, as usual, we’ve got some charming chappies who disagree with the high esteem this Clint Eastwood-starring masterpiece is held, and who do so in a most foolish manner. As usual, contains SPOILERS

Lovefilm:

Oh dear (Hello). Not a sniff of plausibility at any stage (Really? At NO stage? You didn’t find the idea of these characters breathing at all plausible?). How can dangerous driving be exciting when it is so predictable (I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t understand the question. Perhaps you could be less stupid?)? Good guy always survives (Well, I assume you mean East Clintwood. Good guy seems an overstatement...). What about those sides of beef(Erm. Yes, what about them?)? I thought theyhad a weaving shed(Ok. Are you mad, sir?). Where were the police(I’d point out the law was present in the film, as the antagonists in fact, but I think we’ve moved beyond reason and logic)? Grievous bodily harm was rampant (Well, yea), and driving without due care and attention was the default scenario(Did you splice two films together to make an evil film-baby?).Who cared who killed who? What a waste of Morgan Freeman (What a waste of precious words. Seriously, what was that about? You sound like one of those e-mails designed to avoid spam filters by quoting Harry Potter at random)

Lovefilm (Under the title I cannot forgive):

This was probably one of the strangest Clint Eastwood films I have seen (Really? How was it strange? Were there Llama people?), the repetitive narrative was quite annoying (I didn’t find the story repetitive. But you disagree. I’m right though). David Webb Peoples - the scriptwriter - must have been on something and I will not forgive him for what he has done, he must bring me 4 ponies (Ah, a reference to the film. Which you hated so much, apparently. Seriously, this is a review. You have to explain why the film created such bile within you. Because all you said was one lie. Liar!). Thankyou

Lovefilm:

I expected great things - having loved Clint in all the Spaghetti Westerns (All of them? Even the films he wasn’t in? Wow, you’re a big fan then), but was disappointed (Aww, baby got a boo boo). The film moves along at a very slow pace, with him as an aged reformed gunslinger slowly being drawn back into his bad old ways by a masterful Gene Hackman (Yea, well done, that’s what it does). Should be good, but it isn't (Except, it is.).
For what seems like hours we watch Clint unable to get on his horse properly (that lasted about 30 seconds, I think. And then another 10 seconds later), unable to shoot a gun straight(another 30 seconds, a minute for the whole scene perhaps), unable to hold his own in a punch-up etc (Lets say 3 minutes for that. So doing the maths, what you describe as “hours” was about 5 minutes of the film). It's only in the last 15 minutes (Or 10,000 years, who knows? I don’t trust your maths any more) that he finally becomes able to kick ass again, although how he is suddenly able to shoot five men before they can get him when he couldn't hit a barn door the day before is never explained (He was drinking again. It was symbolic of him abandoning the redemption he’d found with his wife. ). Watch 'The Good the Bad and the Ugly' again if you want a decent Western. (Yea, good advice. You could watch Unforgiven as well. Jackass)

Amazon.com:

Even though this movie won lots of awards, I think it is Clint Eastwood’s worst. I threw it away after just watching one third of it (Really? You literally threw it away? Into a bin, or a trash-chute or something? You didn’t just stop watching it and sell it or something? You actually threw it away? As if it was an expensive, badly made frisby? And then, having not watched most of the film, you think you can write about it? You should be thrown away). It is rude, crude and nasty. (Rude? You found it rude? It isn’t a frat boy documentary. What does rude mean? As for the other points, well, you can’t really pontificate on them, because you didn’t watch the film, did you? So the necessity of the these factors in the tale of morality, redemption and sin is kinda lost on you. Because you DIDN’T WATCH THE FUCKING FILM. I’ve warned you people about this...) Don't waste your money and your time. (I will if I want to)

Movieguide:

UNFORGIVEN portrays a hopeless, depressing, existential world, where man is at the mercy of hostile forces which force him to commit heinous crimes to survive (Kinda. Yes). Though this portrait of the Old West demeans (demean: to reduce somebody to a much lower status in a humiliating way. Now, as a history student, I’ve got to remind everyone that history is horrible. The history of the old west is particularly so, dominated as it was by pointless, brutal violence, lawlessness and prejudice. So tell me, please, how Unforgiven demeans this particular area of history?) history, it does capture the despair of those modern humanists who are truly without hope (Yea, why not?). Ultimately, UNFORGIVEN fails as entertainment for want of a satisfying climax (I was pretty satisfied, had to put on clean pants and everything. That was crude... So, explain – how was the climax unsatisfying? Except you don’t, you just state. And I don’t trust you enough to simply take your word on every given thing). Eastwood fans who are expecting a cathartic (You think people expected the film to speed up defication? What do you look for in your movies, you sick fucks?) experience will only find despair. (Ahh! Despair! Run!)
 

Lastly, a man who epitomises one of those great clichés – the American who is so patriotic about his history that everyone hates him and his stupid fucking Amazon reviews.

Amazon.com:

This is nothing but another Western (Well, in a purely technical sense, yes. It is another western. It isn’t anything else, like a science-fiction film or a lawnmower). Anyone expecting some brilliance or originality to be in sync with its Oscar win as Best Picture of 1992 will be sorely disappointed (I wasn’t). Starts out with a gratuitously violent slashing of a prostitute and goes downhill in unpleasantness from there (It wasn’t gratuitous violence. You didn’t see it too much, and it served a purpose in the film). I think I can guess why the Hollywood left-libs loved this enough to make it best pic (Because it was good? Nah, too simple. It’s a CONSPIRACY!): it portrays the West (read "America") as unheroic and simply violent and evil (You know, it just portrayed the West as those things. Which it was. You made it into a metaphor that hurts you like a stab in the guts. Which might not be a bad thing). That's the sort of garbage that the creeps in Hollywood lap up like cats to a saucer of milk (Are you a lunatic?). Hey, celebrities!! If America sucks, kindly return all of that money you get from us for working a few weeks a year, will ya (You know you’re not obliged to actually give celebrities money, don’t you? It isn’t a tax)? My feelings won't be hurt. (They seem really hurt though. You’ve written an angry Amazon review about an imagined slight on your personal view of everything. You’re probably crying about it now)