Sunday, 29 May 2011

Black Books

The three main characters of Black Books. Left...                          Image via WikipediaI like Black Books. These people don't. I may have gotten just a little, tiny bit angry at them towards the end, but you probably won't notice...
Only gets 1 star because that's how many times I laughed through all 3 series (Once. Yea, if you considered that sentence to be a witty piece of wordplay, then I think I know why you didn't enjoy the series). "One of the few genuine british comedies" they said (Who? Are there voices in your head? Advertising nuns at your door?). After watching this rubbish, that statement is funnier than anything in this (That's not really a very good sentence. I'm being petty, I know, but there we are.). Can't even begin to describe how bad this is (Yea. That's because it isn't bad, you dick. Also, if you find the task so unimaginably difficult, why write this fucking review? I'll eat your sofa). Was totally sucked in by all the good reviews (Well, finally. You've said something sensible.). I must be on a completely different comedy level to the people who gave these reviews (Almost everyone else, anywhere. You're one half of all the negative reviews of Black Books on any Amazon site, did you know that?). I want my money back NOW!! (I'm not actually in charge of dealing with refunds, and neither is anyone else who would read this review, I imagine. You'd probably have to contact Amazon directly for a refund. And I doubt they'd give it to you, because you're stupid. And stupid people don't get refunds.)

Had heard that this was good so got hold of first series on DVD (Yes, I gathered from the review you've written. But thanks for the backstory. It really fleshes out your character). Watched the first episode and had to remind myself to be patient as the first episode of Father Ted had also seemed awkward and strained (Maybe a tad. But let us see what other pearls of wisdom you have to offer.). Unfortunately, whereas Father Ted became a classic, which I have watched countless times (Good for you. You're really developing your character, aren't you? I can just picture you now, watching your Father Ted and hearing good reviews of Black Books, sitting in front of a roaring fire.), Black Books fails badly (Well, no. It doesn't.). Realised halfway through the second episode that this was no classic (Well, it isn't Citizen fucking Kane, is it?But then again, what is?) - which was evident from the fact that the canned laughter was louder than the dialogue. (I don't remember it being that loud. But maybe I'm some kind of special moth-man. Maybe I have special powers, granted to me by a radioactive moth. Who knows?)


Mistakenly (Obviously) thought this was a film (Great title. Clearly demonstrates you're not an idiot.)
Turned off after 15 mins as hadn't laughed once, and hated the canned laughter. (Ok, when will people start listening to me? You've reviewed the whole series here. But you watched half of the first episode. So you've seen 1/12 of the product you're reviewing. That's 0.083 of the product. 8%! Why do you think that your analyses of less than 10% of the product will help anyone decide whether to purchase it? Did you watch 15 minutes and turn it off because a man ate a baby then vomited on his mother? No. When you see that, come back to me, and I'll accept your 8% of a review.
I didn't like Father Ted series, although I could see how fans of that may like this too. (Yea. Actually, the second half of that sentence makes some sense, well done. Did you make the baby-eating vomit film yet?

Really expected to like this (Yes, we all have hopes and dreams. Makes us human.) - I love Bill Bailey and Tamsin Grieg, love Father Ted and Spaced (Then why don't you marry them? He he...) - everything said I should enjoy this, but I just didn't. (Yes, it's a trend amongst these reviewers. I assure you, it's merely chance I gathered all these negative reviews for scorn.) 
Dylan Moran's character is just annoying (No. He's not JUST annoying. There's far more to it than that. You fucking moron., Bill Bailey's (after a promising first episode) surprisingly bland as the straightman to Moran's curmudgeon (Fuck... You've put me in a bit of a pickle - I admire your use of the word 'curmudgeon', but also want to point out you're really pretty wrong.) - why employ someone so funny to play it straight? (It's not exactly straight, to be honest. I mean, did you actually watch it? It's more of a father-son relationship, for one thing. I mean, a hideously malformed one... but still) The slapstick bits were overdone (Maybe YOU were overdone.), the dialogue just not sharp enough (Really? It's pretty sharp, and better than most of the lines you hear in sitcoms these days - witty exchanges, amusing one-liners, that bit where Manny sits on himself and uses a high-pitched voice? You tosser), and the hysterical canned laughter only served to emphasise that it simply isn't as funny as it should be. (I get the subtle feeling the canned laughter wasn't everyone's cup of tea. Well, maybe in future you should go to more live recordings and laugh yourself.) 
Perhaps I should have stuck with it for longer but after two episodes I had laughed once (Well, you're an improvement from the first guy I suppose. And you watched a whole 3rd of the product you're reviewing! I'm a broken man now. I actually feel you've accomplished something. I want them to give you the Croix de guerre for this.), and wanted my hour back... (Seriously? You'd have just waisted it combing your leg-hair or something) 

First 3 episodes were hysterical thanks to Dylan Moran (Good start. I like you), the second 3 died a death thanks to Bill Bailey (Ah, well now you've gone and broken my heart, haven't you? So, this being a review and all, why not offer some description of the product. How, for instance, did Bill Bailey ruin it for you? Did he strange your grandmother, thus distracting you from the viewing experience? Fellate a cat in front of the TV? Nope, you're just going to stay quiet, aren't you? I assume you didn't like him, then. So you didn't find it funny when he ate those Bees, or when he got stuck in that phonebox and a bee bothered him, or any of his other bee-related antics? You fucking nonce.). Not being funny (forgive the pun (No. I will forgive this sir. You've gone too far.)), but the series died out (What, like a dinosaur or the Polka? Really it didn't. Then they made those other two series. Those were good as well. You aren't good though. You're evil, like Stalin's mustache).
bored! (Ugh... Use some grammar) was totally uninterresterd i can not state how boring  this series is nearly as bad as the mighty boosh! (Well, I didn't want to put a comment in the middle of your eloquent speech. At first I thought you were an idiot who didn't have a basic grasp of grammar, but then I realized you were a bold young other experimenting with free-flowing narrative, obviously representant of the thought-process of an idiot writing a fucking shit review. I mean, you wrote a few words, would it have been hard to use a comma or two for your ol' pal Paul? Honest to fucking God. And the Mighty Boosh was pretty good. The Crack Fox scares the shit out of me though, but that isn't the point. I forget the point. Oh yea, here's your review, rewritten with the years of experience bestowed upon me of writing a series of bad first chapters of books:
I am bored! Instead of being out, engaging in wanton acts of terror, I am forced to stay in due to the confines of the British penal system. I am in jail, you understand, because I have robbed many elderly ladies of their pensions. I do not need the money, nor do I have any reasons to be coerced into acting this way, except that I am a cretinous oaf. One evening, during our recreational period, we watched a television show entitled "Black Books". I at first thought it would be a humorous documentary detailing the attempts of missionaries to teach the coloured peoples of Britain how to read - believing as I do that such people lack the intelligence to read, because I am a racist. However, I was disappointed to discover it was a television situation comedy set inside a fictional book store. I found the show to be incredibly boring, as I usually enjoy a higher class of television; one which features acts of wanton cruelty towards animals and laughs drawn from the act of slipping on banana skins. Also, I think Hitler was right.
Yea. That's what that guy meant to write. What an absolute wanker.

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