Thursday, 5 May 2011

LittleBigPlanet 2

How could you hate him? He's so adorable!
image via LittleBigPlanet wikia
LittleBigPlanet 2 was released at the beginning of the year to rave reviews. The sequel to 2008's Game of the Year (according to, among others, Edge, GamePro and Eurogamer) is also a strong challenger for similar awards this year. The game, featuring the voice of the adorable Stephen Fry and the the perhaps-even-more-adorable Sackboy, holds scores of 92.38% and 92% at GameRankings and Metacritic respectively. In the game you play as the aforementioned Sackboy as he embarks on various adventures through the strange lands of LittleBigPlanet, meeting equally strange characters on the way. These adventures usually involve solving puzzles and suchlike. However some people, such as the following reviewers from amazon.com, didn't like this game. The heartless bastardly cunts...:
Little Big Planet games are not for kids (as well as most adults (They are for kids. That is their primary target, but they also reward any adults who give them a shot. That is a rare thing. And they've done a remarkable job)). My kids (9 and 5) play Mario games without a problem but can only get passed the first dozen levels in this game (LBP is challenging. It's good for a child to have to work to get something rather than complete everything first try. It's character building.) The difficulty gets ridiculous after the first few levels (They don't get massively hard. They're challenging, yes, but far from impossible. I felt the game had quite a nice difficulty curve...) . As a big gamer myself, I find most levels to be TOO challenging (Mebbe you're just a really shit self-proclaimed 'big gamer'?). I think the main issue though is the "controls" (Yeah the controls are pretty simple to grasp...). This is not a Mario game... (No. It isn't. Congratulations on noticing that. Also, Sackboy is far cooler than that bloody plumber.) the character movements and controls are terrible (They really aren't. I got used to it in about 10 seconds flat.) so imagine what can happen during a difficult parts of a level (The Sackboy does exactly as you tell him? That doesn't sound too bad to me...). After you lose all of your lives (which are very few), you have to retry all the way from the beginning. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Yeah, because that's never happened in any other game, and certainly not in a Mario game...)

Great graphics and a lot of potential wasted with difficult levels and clunky controls (The levels are well designed and pitched at just the right difficulty! And the controls are more than fine you moron.)....almost the worst controls in gaming history, in my opinion! (And your opinion is wrong. Very wrong.)
And here we have another:
I was rooting for this game to blow me away, as I am a loyal PS3 owner (Ah! So you will have been satisfied then? It is, after all, a game of immense quality.). I read (like you) the Amazon reviews and noticed the high marks (And those marks are more than deserved, my friends. More than deserved.). I immediately made my mind up and purchased the product (And may I commend you on your good choice!). Biggest mistake of my life (What? Really? Do you not like slices of fun? And surely you've made worse decisions. Like writing this review for instance...). What kind of game is this?? (It's a fun game. More helpfully, it's a "puzzle platformer" [wikipedia]) There is nothing to do!! (Actually there's quite a lot to do. My friend has spent literally days making space-ships, submarines and bombs...) It's just a bunch of fictional voodoo doll characters moving left to right with no purpose or reason (Yes. I can totally see your point. Because all other games are full of real-life people. Like that documentary-game Street Fighter IV that you gave 5 stars to...). I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I write this (Pussy crybaby.) for I will never get this [...] back ever again!!! (You could always trade it in for something else y'know... Perhaps you could get a more realistic game. Like Mortal Kombat...)
 And our final stop today is here. Though be warned, I do get quite angry towards the start...
Sackboy is awful (Ri-ight. I'm curious to see where they goes with this. How that statement is justified.). No he isn't awful (Leave it there. Seriously, just leave it there.), he's a [----] (I don't know what that was going to be, but if it was anything other than 'a lovely' I'll brutally murder you with Thor's hammer Mj√∂lnir). The Jar Jar Binks of gaming (What did you just say? Did you just liken Sackboy to Jar Jar fucking Binks? You did didn't you? Yes, I've gone back and read it again and you definitely did. Look you snivelling piece dog excrement. I'm going to track you down like a dog. And once I've found you I'm going to force feed you Jar Jar Binks toys until they stick out your arse like some kind of perverse Playboy bunny tail. And then I'm going to dowse you in petrol, flick a lit match at you and dance around your burning corpse. No. I don't think that's mad at all.). Painfully boring and overated (What Sackboy? Or the game? Either way you're an incompetent idiot with Jar Jar Binks' head as a tail.). What is this? You've triggered my trap card (And you've triggered my You're a cunt card.). Prepare to jump on platforms and lose an infinite number of lives of bad camera and wonky controls on a never-ending cycle of repeat (Clearly you're more than a little bit shit...). Sony's worst piece of work (Surely Heavenly Sword, for example, is worse?). You make things. (Yes you do. And it's really rather fun.) To jump some more and die some more (Again, maybe you're just not very good.). Nothings ever good (Don't want to labour the point or anything, but maybe you're really shit at making shit). NOTHINGS EVER GOOD ENOUGH (Have you got daddy issues or something?). Why bother? There's already Mario Galaxy and Epic Superman on the other console; play those instead. (But this involves more creativity on the gamer's part. Maybe they want that?)

Barney, The Dinosaur says : 
There is no choice at all. Here at the end. Give in. (I don't know what the fuck that means)

[Down with E rated games] (Down with you. Prick.)
I think I'd better go and take my medicine after that...

1 comment:

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