Monday, 1 November 2010

Anthology of Idiocy III

Once again dutiful travellers we embark upon a journey into the realms of idiocy. Remember to take a scarf, it's cold out. Our first port of call is to one of the most beloved and critically acclaimed novels of the 20th Century, To Kill A Mockingbird:
This book is the most overrated book ever published (Have you read all of them? If not, then how could you possibly know that for sure?). Much loved by stupid American academic lefties (And most other academics. And what's so 'left' about not being racist? And no matter how right-wing you are, calling someone else a 'leftie' is not an insult.), it has no merit (Yes it does. It has lots of merit. It was published in 1960, a time when most of America was racist. It dared to suggest that racism was wrong. In a children's book. It has historical merit alone) - very childish (Well it is a children's book what were you expecting? Dostoyevsky?). Then, silly me, there is a black man involved therefore, it must be good. (No. It's the way the black man is depicted that is one of the things that make it good. And, though I am sure that you are not, the way you say that makes you sound like you may be a little racist. I would suggest that you be careful about this in future.)
Those bloody Swedes with their language
Image via moviegoods
Our next stop on this cruise around the sea of awfulness is the 2008 Swedish film Let The Right One In (I said a scarf would be necessary, it's cold in Sweden), a horror sensation, that scores 97% on Rotten Tomatoes. I'd like to say this man is American, but he isn't. He's British:
Awful. (That's your opinion, but is as valid as anyone else's I suppose.)
Dreadful. (Really that's the same point as before to be honest)
Boring. (Well, at least this is new, and an actual criticism)
Limited. (What does this even mean? Limited what?)
Badly acted. (I thought the cast was strong, but that was just me. And every major critic I can think of)
Limited plot. (Well, at least your expanding on your earlier point I suppose. But limited plot? Really? How would it have been improved by expanding it to include, for example, everything that happened in the 1980s?)
Limited story. (That's just the same as plot you cactus-brained imbecile)
Foreign with subtitles. (What? How is the fact that you can't be bothered to read subtitles the film's fault? I'm sorry, but not everyone speaks English. Other countries are well within their rights to make films in their own language if they so wish. To suggest that this is in any way a negative feature is ludicrous. You, sir, are what's wrong with this country. I bet you voted for the fucking BNP too...)

Quite possible Possibly the worsed worst film I've had to watch this year or possibly ever (Were you forced to watch it at gunpoint? No? The you hardly 'had' to watch it did you?) and it's nearly November! Never ever again! (While you're never ever watching the film again, could you never, ever write a review on Amazon again? Cheers.)
Here's another, for the same film, in a similar vein:
This is not in English , it's subtitled ! The book was in English though so what happened ? I don't get a film to read . (So you give it a one-star review, because you're stupid and lazy? Fuck off. And FYI [hell yeah I'm cool...] the book was in English because it had been translated from Swedish you stupid piece of shit. I'm going to hunt both of you down and kill you. By the time I'm done, it'll look like Michael Myers, Freddy Kreuger, the Xenomorphs from Alien etc. and a shopping-mall full of zombies have put aside their differences and united against you. It'll be so grotesque it'll make even the baddie from those awful Saw films vomit up his intestinal tract.) 
Too far? I don't even know anymore...
Still, adopt, adapt and improve (motto of the Round Table, you know) - next up in this carnival of idiocy (yes, I've abandoned my previous tour/cruise motif) we have a review of the multiple award winning BBC TV series The Thick Of It:
FREQUENT USE OF THE "F" WORD (What, fenestration? I don't remember them saying that once... Oh. No, wait, you mean 'fuck' don't you?) CANNOT BE TYPICAL OF THE INHABITANTS OF THE PALACE OF WESTMINISTER AND IF IT IS, NO WONDER PEOPLE ARE "TURNED OFF" POLITICS AND POLITICANS Use your indoor voice, please. But anyway, of course people in Westminster swear. Why wouldn't they? They're working in a high pressure environment. Oh, and they're people. I swear. People swear. Fuck me, what age are you living in? On your second point, I, and I suspect most other people, don't give a flying fuck what language politicians use behind closed doors. In fact I would have thought that many would appreciate their politician being more like them, and swearing like the proverbial sailor. Now go away and take your prudishness with you. Cunt.
Well, I'm afraid that's all I can be bothered writing for this hilarious edition of Anthology of interest. But never fear, I will be back in 'Anthology of Idiocy IV: The Weedage Home'. There'll be a prize for anyone who can tell me which film 'fourquel' I've humourously lampooned with that stunning title!

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