Saturday, 8 January 2011

Toy Story Trilogy

What kind of bastard would throw up because of these guys?
Yup. You read that right. Even what is almost certainly the most consistently brilliant film trilogy of all time (Godfather III was a bit of a letdown after all) has its share of moron detractors on Amazon. Is this justification for murder? Let's start, perhaps predictably, with a review Toy Story (though I am slightly unsure as to its authenticity to be honest, but there's nothing else really, so it'll have to do):

I suppose I am going to be branded narrow-minded and out-of-touch (Well for God's sake shut up then), but I cannot help wondering which people are showing this movie and its sequel to their children without any reservations at all (Parents with good taste in films? Parents of children with good taste in films? People who aren't dickheads?). I, for one, do NOT allow my children to use language like 'moron', 'loser', 'dirtbag' or 'idiot', which language is found in this movie by the truckload (I pity your kids I really do. Though their teenage rebellion should be fun after years of that...). I would certainly never allow my children to pretend that they were threatening to hang someone from a gallows, as the toys threaten to do to "Woody" (Were you born age 60? Children have a fascination with the gruesome and macabre. It won't affect them like your mollycoddling will). I guess that when TV/DVDs have become, once again in this generation, the babysitter/parent (Yawn.), we can get fooled into thinking that such a 'nice' movie about some 'nice' toys can't be all bad (And you'd be absolutely right.). I guess the people who get sucked into buying the movie for their kids won't mind if their kids interact with one another using language and scenarios like these I mentioned (No. Because those are words that EVERY child uses. Even yours.). The minute I began to even suspect that the world of "Toy Story" and it's values (Those evil values of friendship...) were going to be reflected in my childrens' lives, I couldn't throw the blasted thing out fast enough, and if you want your kids to grow up a little different than the TV-bred cretins around them, you'll do the same. (Or you'll ignore this lunatic's advice, let your children enjoy one of the best films around, safe in the knowledge that I'm doing my best to hunt this guy down...)

Now we return to Britain with, unsurprisingly, a review for Toy Story 2:

Once again woody and his pals are back for another fun filled adventure hurrah (!). (I suspect this is sarcasm. And so I'm going to throw you into a chasm. Reasonable?)
Not only is this film witless (What?), charmless (What?) and altogether so sugary that it makes you want to pull your own teeth out before disney's claptrap will rot them away (Seriously though, what? It is witty, what about Evil Emperor Zog and the other Buzz? As for charm, the whole series has more charm than... errr... a really... really... charming man... And 100% of critics on Rotten Tomatoes would brain you for calling it claptrap. And Disney didn't make this film. Pixar did. Disney merely distributed it.). Essentially it's the same as the first one (No it isn't. There wasn't a chicken man in the first, for example.) and yes its just as boring (Neither this film, nor its superb predecessor, are 'boring'. Not unless one of us has slipped into a parallel universe). Not only do the jokes sound like they've come fresh from a 3rd rate comedian (Coincidentally, shut the fuck up.), the over exagerated and "cute" computer graphics makes you want to throw up (God your a sad, sad little man.). Give me manga anyday. (You are aware that this isn't some kind of 'one can't live whilst the other is alive' sort of deal right?)
And, just as a bit of a curveball, we have a review for Rambo: First Blood Part 2:
We love Pixar movies (Oh, wait, this is Toy Story 3), in fact every one of them except this! (It's absolutely bloody superb, you prick.) My son ended up crying in the middle (about the background story of Latso the bear) and we had to stop (Pussy. More seriously, it's supposed to be sad there. There were adults with damp eyes in the cinema when I went to see it, they didn't stop the film for them as a result). I myself have seen the movie from start to finish and did not like it (I just can't understand why someone wouldn't like this. It has humour, heart, action, everything). It wasnt' very funny (It was. What wasn't funny about Barbie and Ken, or Spanish Buzz?) but seemed quite dark for a kid movie (Yes. Because other children's films are all sunshine and happiness. Especially Bambi, Lion King, The Jungle Book...). Lots of scenes where the toys are terrorized by other toys and there is nobody to defend them (Yes, but they beat them in the end. It wouldn't be much of a film without antagonists would it?). There is a general sense of helplessness that permeates a lot of the movie (Not really, and on the very few occasions where you could argue there was, it passed pretty quickly). Two thumbs down. (Ironically, if you were a gladiator and I an Emperor, that's what I'd signal for you...)
You may be able to tell that I hold these films close to my heart, having grown up with them so I may have lost my temper a little...


  1. Dang whiners. You didn't even mention the part in Toy Story 3 when Mr. Potatohead had to go with the tortilla. I nearly wet myself.

    The second review here cracked me up. "It was just as boring as the first." Here's my question. If you found the first one boring, why would you bother going to see the second one? Am I being too obvious here?


  2. I think you're being far too obvious here. Don't over-estimate people, they can be idiots. Someone should really blog about it...

    Myself, I try not to estimate people at all. Terrible at those "guess the weight" things at carnivals. That was a lie. I've never been to a carnival.


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