Saturday, 12 March 2011

The Doors

Jim Morrison. A total weenie?
Now I usually let reviews of albums and the like alone, since music is such a personal thing. However, if people are going to come out and lay into classic, seminal albums by legendary bands such as The Doors, in really shit ways, then I really have no choice but to mock them. Let's start with this 'review' for their first, self-titled album:
...Look, I grew up in the Midwest in the 1970s and '80s and I heard a lot of this junk growing up (I hope you are going to expand on this accusation of 'junk' in a clear, well-reasoned argument that will engage all Doors fans in a well-intentioned debate over the merits of this band. I'm not confident...), both from musical mentors and on "classic rock" radio (Maybe, as 'mentors' and radio DJs, they just know better than you?) and I am SO HEARTILY SICK OF JIM MORRISON AND THE DOORS (Well, I think with that moronic statement, we can be sure that what little hope there was of an intelligent debate has just been beaten to death with a 2 by 4 covered in jagged nails). The guy was such a total weenie (Weenie? You're actually going to call him that? What are you, 5? He's just lighting intelligent debate's corpse on fire now...). Since when is getting so drunk that you fall of the stage a great moral virtue? (Two things. First, I'm not altogether sure that he ever did actually fall off the stage whilst drunk. And secondly, no-one ever suggested that Morrison was a good role model. And anyway, it's not like any other rock star hasn't done things like that. It's really just par for the course) And what a preening, self-centered gasbag! (Again, he was a rock & roll frontman, is there any other kind? Except he wasn't a gasbag, he was actually pretty damned intelligent, you should try watching a few interviews with him on youtube)

Of all the great hippie-era 'Sixties bands, the Doors are perhaps the least deserving of their legendary status... (I see, this would be because...? They were only one of the most important rock bands of the late 60s. They summed up the failure and jading of the hippies and their movement.) They had a couple of volcanic, primal early hits (Ah! The ones that would be on this album. You know, the one that you're supposedly reviewing.) but the Doors catalog as a whole is so boring and bloated (If you don't like this kind of music, then fine, but don't try to deny their importance or their musical ability). Skip ahead to 1976 and crank up the Ramones: now *that's* real rock rebellion! (I like the Ramones, but to suggest that they were better than The Doors is just silly. They are completely different. And, if we were looking at it objectively, the Ramones are remembered only for their impact, rather than for their brilliance. Their songs are petty samey and incredibly basic. Also, you complain that Morrison was drunk, but turn a blind eye to the heroin and alcohol consumed in copious amounts by all the Ramones?) (Axton)
And here's one for their 1970 album (and personal favourite) Morrison Hotel/Hard Rock Cafe:
"Well I Woke Up This Morning, and I Got Myself a Beer". To the common working man that lyric probably ranks up there with the Holy of Holies (Ah, good old classist remarks. You, as a member of the affluent, intelligent middle are far more intelligent than those beer-swilling plebs, eh?). I know in middle, and high school it was recited at least once a day (Oh no! Not every day! However did you cope?). I found it very unispiring uninspiring (I see, so if you find one lyric uninspiring, it makes the whole band's output worthless?). This whole album was uninspiring as The Doors pretty much fell flat on thier butts after the first album (Well, myself and almost every major critic would disagree. The previous couple weren't as imaginative as their debut. But this was their return to the very best.). This was rock bottom. The only good song that came from here was "Waiting For The Sun" (What about Peace Frog, or Roadhouse Blues, some of their most popular songs?). "Roadhouse Blues" has a good riff, but the rest is stupid (Hardly. If it was so rubbish, why have so many bands decided it was so good they wanted to cover it.), and "Blue Sunday" is so downhearted that it makes me want to kill myself (Not all music has to be cheery you know. Music reflects what the author was feeling at the time. When writing that song, Morrison wasn't happy, therefore neither is that song. I quite like it personally...). The rest is inept at best (You're an idiot. I'm sorry, but you are. It is not in ay way 'inept'.). Obvious Morrison was preoccupied with his trial that he forgot to make inspiring music (That was a really shit sentence. And it's contents was bullshit too.).
And let's finish this up with a review of the follow-up to Morrison... and fellow critical darling, L.A. Woman:
This album is so bad, it's almost worth owning (It is worth owning. Because it's so good.). Track after plodding track astonishes (Remove the word 'plodding' and then I would agree). When I listen to this album, I feel intensely sorry for the other members of The Doors (Why? Because they would earn lots of money from this album? Or because they would lose their leader shortly after?). An obviously inebriated Jimbo sounds like he couldn't decide whether to throw up or to go to sleep, so instead he went to the studio and cut some tracks (That's just the way his voice sounds.). His vocals are shockingly [bad] and painfully off-key (Again, that's the way he sings. He was always like that. It doesn't stop him being the greatest frontman ever though.). He actually SOUNDS fat (What does that even mean? He wasn't fat.)! Seriously...check it out! (Yes, do check out the album. Because it so very awesome.) To make matters worse, at least half of the tunes sound like Morrison made up the abysmal lyrics as he went along (I see. Have you any evidence to back this up? Perhaps some examples of these 'abysmal lyrics'? No? Then I shall chalk your argument up as the ramblings of a madman.). There are a couple tunes where apparently the other Doors managed to get their fearless leader semi-sobered up or at least convinced him to come up with some [bad]lyrics in advance (Riders on the Storm being the best of these) (Again, you don't even attempt to explain your point. This is not how you debate. Attacking something without explaining why its wrong is a really awful way of criticizing anything. What are you? David Cameron?), but they are the exception. Mostly the tunes are lazy, generic blues variations (They aren't generic. Today they may be, but that is because what they laid down became popular throughout the 70s.) that a below-average bar band would be ashamed to call their own (I think if this hypothetic band created L.A. Woman, they'd be pretty bloody happy about it. Unless they were made up of clones of you, i.e. morons). And Morrison turns in the least convincing "blues" vocals this side of Eric Clapton's From The Cradle (yikes!)! (Yes. I can totally see why his low, harsh voice is totally unsuited to blues...) This is bad, bad stuff (That'll be why it gets universal praise by critics then...). That said, it's pretty [] funny if you have a perverse enough sense of humor (What do you mean here? That Morrison had a black sense of humour, or that it's so awful it's funny? If it's the latter, then I just may have to rip your balls off.), and it's a great party album if your friends have a similar sense of humor (I can hardly think of a worse party album...). I guess nothing's all bad. (Except this review.)
Well, I think I'm done now. See you next time!

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