Monday, 7 March 2011


This is about as gory as it gets. Which just isn't gory...
image via imago
Dario Argento is regarded as one of the best horror directors of the 70s and 80s, with 1977's Suspiria regarded as perhaps his finest work. Set in a contemporary ballet school in Freiburg, Germany the film concerns a coven of witches. These people on lovefilm seem to be immune to the film's many charms:
Having seen 'Black Swan' and reading in a 'Times' review, that one of the influences for that film could have been 'Suspiria' and foolishly thinking it may also have a little ballet in it! I rented it. (Well, Suspiria almost certainly was an influence on Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan, it has a similar tone and setting as well as a similar aesthetic to Argento's masterpiece. And it does feature a little ballet - it shows the girls practicing on more than one occasion.)
A violent (It's not that violent really. It's only really violent once, much of the rest is implied. It's certainly far less violent than most modern films, let alone modern horror.), low budget (Well it was made in Italy, rather than the cash rich Hollywood), gaudy (If you are referring to the colour in the film, then you are an idiot. The colour is essential to the film's nightmarish otherworldliness. The use of colour is one of the reasons it is so lauded), gory (That's almost the same as 'violence'. And it's still stupid and wrong.), plotless film (It has a plot. Not much of one I'll concede, but more than most horror films of any decade.).
I worry about the minds creating this sort of 'film rouge' and the minds of those who enjoy watching such unadulterated bloody horror (I see. Someone who likes to be scared should be locked away in a psychiatric hospital? Or maybe you're just a pussy who has no idea about horror films or, I'll wager, films in general).
Not for me I'm afraid. (No! I got this far believing you to have thought this was the greatest movie ever made)
Here's another prick from lovefilm:
This really is a marmite film- I've read reviews from film critics who loved this, but I have to confess I absolutely hated it (I see. So critics love it, and you don't. That doesn't make it a 'marmite film'. It just makes you an idiot. Have you thought that perhaps the critics are right and you are wrong? Because that seems the logical answer to me...). Really loud discordant music blares out every time any of the cast have anything seemingly vital to whisper (maybe it's not important at all- maybe the music is just to cover up that there's no real plot here? (It's not loud enough to block what they're saying. It's just to emphasize the point being made. And there is a plot. Watch it again and I'm sure you'll spot it.)), for a horror film nothing particularly scary happens (Well the whole film creates an aura of a nightmarish world. If by 'scary' you mean Saw or Hostel style shock and gore, then no. And go and fuck yourself, because they just aren't horror films. They're torture porn.), and it's impossible to feel anything for the characters as they're so sketchily drawn and behave so oddly you can't relate to them. (Yes you can. They act like people. And the main character in particular is fleshed out. If you can't feel for her then I can only assume you are some kind of psychopath.)
And another...:
Plenty of decent reviews for this, so I hired it. (You rented it. The correct terminology here is 'rented'. I'm sorry to nitpick, but you gave this film half a star. You deserve everything that's coming to you.)
I managed about 20 minutes waiting for it to become ironic or something... nope. (It doesn't become ironic. It becomes brilliant. I hope that you continued after this 20 minutes or else I will not sleep till you have been buried alive in a coffin full of hungry raccoons.)
Anyone considering renting this would do better to spend the evening gnawing off one of their own legs - then at least the blood would be realistic and the actions of the victim might have some believability to them (Now, I've seen plenty of films I've despised [Sex and the City 2 and Pimp jump to mind], but none has driven me to gnaw my own leg off. And the blood is about as realistic as they could have conceivably gotten away with. You forget that back then blood was not as accepted in films as it is today.).
Leave it. (Or don't. I would suggest watching it. It is one of the finest and most important horror films ever put to celluloid. To not watch it because the blood looks a little fake would be ridiculous.)
Well, I think that'll do for today, but rest assured that there is plenty more where that came from...

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