Thursday, 7 October 2010

Anthology of Idiocy II

Yes! Back by popular demand, it's another Anthology of Idiocy! [insert great applause here] First up in this edition is a 'review' for the Star Wars Original Trilogy from
For me Star Wars is one of the Worst things ever it is so confusing and Borning and Rubbish. High School musical is 100,000,000 million times better than Star Wars Well. I'm not quite sure where to begin here to be honest with you. So I'll just start at the beginning. I like Star Wars, I'm not it's biggest fan (I'm sorry, but George Lucas cannot write dialogue. Though this original trilogy is way ahead of the prequels in that respect. "Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo" for example...) but they are very good entertainment. I can certainly think of worse things. AIDS for example, or Hitler, or war in general. If you are going to criticize one of the most successful film series in history, I would certainly recommend a structured argument based upon it's (many) failings. Not say it's 'confusing and boring'. I'd like to take a closer look at the first complaint. If you find this confusing, then might I suggest sticking to books about dogs losing a red ball. Though you might find the idea of an anthropomorphised dog confusing too... These are effectively children's films. The only way I could think of them becoming confusing is if the DVD skips every other scene and you're on a cocktail of psychoactive drugs. And how are lightsaber duels boring? If you don't find those exciting then I suggest you seek the help of a psychiatrist. And now we reach the highlight of this rant. I'll be honest, I've been looking forward to this. I currently have a smile bigger than the Cheshire Cat's. Though I've never seen it, I can tell you, with the utmost certainty, that High School Musical is the single worst thing to happen to cinema since Twilight. I am aware that Twilight came after, but I don't care. They're both utter shite without equal. These films have no redeeming features whatsoever.
 Here we have this review from our American cousins of Nosferatu: Der Nacht (Nosferatu: The Vampyre, the 1979 film directed by Werner Herzog and starring Klaus Kinski):
THE MOVIE STARTS OUT RATHER CREEPY AND INTERESTING. JUST WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR. IT THEN EVOLVES INTO A CHEESY AND CORNY PIECE OF RUBBISH (Excuse me? How is it cheesy or corny? Please elaborate). THE APPARANT HEROINE AT THE END DECIDES TO LET THE DISGUSTING VAMPIRE INTO HER ROOM TO SUCK HER BLOOD. SO SHE WILL NOW BECOME A VAMPIRE (She doesn't become a vampire. She is just emptied of her blood and killed.) AND THUS TRICK DRACULA INTO FORGETTING IT IS DAWN AND THUS BE DESTROYED (Yes. That seems perfectly reasonable to me. She sacrificed her life to save countless others. What's so wrong about that?). AT ONE POINT IN THE SHOW RATS ARE EVERYWHERE AND PEOPLE ARE DYING OF THE PLAGUE AND WALKING AROUND LIKE ZOMBIES. WHY NOY MAKE IT MORE REALISTIC AND SHOW THE POPULATION ATTEMPTING TO ERADICATE THE RATS. NO, INSTEAD THEY ALLOW THE RATS EVERYWHERE. (This was the 1800s. You couldn't just lay down a few rentokil traps and be done with it you know. It wasn't easy to get rid of rats. Maybe they tried for a while but failed and gave. Or maybe they didn't know rats carried plague. I'm sorry, but this is not a review. It's a random collection of plot points you didn't like for some reason. Now go away.)
I don't mean to go on, but isn't that just the best set you've
ever seen?       Image via Ourobeauros
I like old, silent films. One of my favourites is Das Kabinett des Doktor Caligari (The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari) from 1920. It is a German Expressionist film and regarded as one of the best horror movies of all time. It is also probably the first film to employ the 'twist ending'. And is also arguably one of the earliest cases of the 'unreliable narrator' in cinema. Safe to say then, that this is quite an important release in cinema's early development:
Yuck! This film is awefulawful! (No, it's absolutely ruddy excellent. Those sets are just wonderful for a start) Why in the world is it still in print? (Because it's an excellent film, who's fantastic sets have helped to keep this film looking so very different and fresh even 90 years after it's first release. The availability of classic films should not be based upon your uninformed opinions of them. Myself and many others do want to see this massively important movie, and should be able to.) Movies like this are out of there their prime (Perhaps, but it is still relevant. Besides, nobody is forcing you to watch it. If you don't like it, don't watch it). The plot is that a mystical man named Calligari uses his zombie (He's not a zombie. He's a somnambulist - a sleepwalker. Pay attention to films you review in future) that tells fortunes to go out on a murder spree and kill certain people. I can't think of anything less tasteless. (You mean more tasteless. Less tasteless would be a double negative, meaning you couldn't think of anything with more taste. And [presuming the double negative was accidental] can't you? What about Holocaust jokes at a bar mitzvah, that would be pretty tasteless. But is that seriously your biggest gripe against this film? That there are murders? Because that's just stupid.)
Thank you for journeying with me through this collection of ridiculous reviews, till next time my pretties!

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