Monday, 11 October 2010

God of War III

Wait, why is this copy not in a bin?
Image via Gametrailers

One of the most critically acclaimed games of this year is God of War III on the PS3. It has garnered a weighted average score of 92% on metacritic, indicating 'Universal Acclaim'. Predictably, this amazon reviewer does not agree:

Looks good but the gameplay is very annoying. The camera jumps all over the place and it can be difficult to get your bearings and see what is around you (Is it? I don't remember that. It only changes view when you move into another room. That seems quite straightforward to me). The controller keys are ok but it's difficult at times to swap from one weapon to another, especially in the heat of battle (No it isn't. In fact, I tend to switch weapons by accident in a fight it's so easy). I was rating it at about 6/10 (How generous) up until the part where you have to match the X, O etc on the controller with a series of symbols scrolling from left to right. They scroll fast and at times you have to press 2 symbols at once (Oh the horror!)! It takes an incredible amount of dexterity to get it right (No, it really doesn't.). I tried for two hours and just couldn't do it and I was playing it on easy (Wow. You must be pretty shit)! That was the moment I'd had enough. It went in the bin (Really? You paid £40 on a game and just through it in the bin? That's quite some rage quit.). I wouldn't pass it on to my worse worst enemy, so there was no way I'd sell this piece of crap on (People can make up their own minds you know). Games are supposed to be fun, especially on easy (This game is fun. I completed it on medium and I'm pretty crap. Maybe you just really suck at playing games.). This game is not fun, at all (Well, if the Chief of the Fun Police says so, it must be true). Stay well clear of this one. 
He is joined in this view by a handful of reviewers from across the pond. Be warned, there are spoilers up ahead:
My son, age 17, has been waiting for this game. He has the first two (He shouldn't. If he's only 17 now, then he can't have been when the first two were released. They have age restrictions for a reason), which he liked. He actually finished this game in 3 hours of play, at normal level not easy (Methinks someone was telling a few porkie pies). The game was 75% movies and cut-scenes (No it wasn't. Not even Metal Gear Solid 4 has that kind of ratio). The battles were boring (He rips monsters heads off, what's not to like?) and redundant (It's an action game, how are they 'redundant'? It's pretty much the point of the whole thing). He said that the storyline sucked (He said that? Then it must be true). The weapons were lame (One of them steals people's souls. If that's lame then I don't want to be cool) and useless (They're really not you know. They seem to be very effective at killing things actually). He said that they should have made GoW2 a little longer and they could have ended it there (Or they could have made this 3rd game in the series, so as not to rush the conclusion of one of the most critically acclaimed game trilogies ever made). No, the makers just had to get greedy and make a poorly designed third installment to get unsuspecting people's money (How is it badly designed? Expand, please). Kill all the gods, they are immortal and cannot be killed (Actually, it's possible that immortal just means they couldn't die naturally but could be killed by someone powerful enough, such as a demi-God like Kratos. And anyway, it's a fucking game! If you want a history lesson in Greek mythology read a bloody book). Kratos' goal was to kill Zeus, but he just destroys everything instead including himself (He does both. [SPOILERS] And then he brings hope to the earth, fixing all the damage he caused and then some). LAME! (Who are you? Hannah fucking Montana?) If you must play this game, PLEASE rent it first. Do not waste your money on it. My son said that it was the worst sequel in a game sequence that he has ever played. (Yup, 'cause your son is so great, his opinion is worth far more than the 100 professional reviewers whose reviews are counted on metacritic. All of whom gave it a positive review. Was his father God by any chance?)
And here we have possibly my favourite review ever, also from America:
When I play this game i hate games. When i hate games i hate them (Thank god you clarified that for me. I thought that when you said you hated something, you really meant that you wanted to screw it). One time i played some gizames (Nice spelling there) and they were all bad like this one (It must have been so traumatic for you). Sometimes I like games that go the whole 360 (I see what your doing) degrees and win with colors such as green and other shades of green (You have such a way with words. Oscar Wilde eat your heart out). I mean those gamz (Some more superlative spelling) dont need to have a halo (Oh you're so clever) on thur hed (You stick it to the dictionary with your disregard for their antiquated ideas of spelling), but sometimes you need the right gears for war (I really hate you) and this gme (Oh for fuck's sake it's spelled 'game' you pathetic piece of slime. How can you misspell it so many times? Is it deliberate?) aint not doin it. the end (I shall restrain myself from launching into a tirade into why the PS3 is far better than the Xbox 360, but only so that I can retain my moral high ground. I will, however, point out that it is fanboys like you that give the gaming world a bad name. Now do what you will with your precious 360 and never stray into the world of human beings again.)
You know, I'm doubtful that he even played the game he was reviewing...

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