Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz

Milk. You know, comes from cows. You open it up and drink it, or put it on cereal, or so on. Well, here's a nice Amazon review on milk. Very important warnings are featured:

It's good milk if you drink it right away, but I'm only giving it one star because it spoiled when I left it out the the counter when I went away for the weekend. They really should put this in the description. I've bought a lot of products from Amazon (books, CD's, etc.) and I've never had this problem with anything else.  You know, I have a sneaking suspicion you might not be entirely serious. But I'm going to treat this as a serious post. Here goes: NO THEY SHOULDN'T! IT'S FUCKING MILK. WOULD YOU LEAVE A BABY IN THE SUN? YES! You fucking moron. Milk goes off, get used to it. There's no need for warnings, it's entirely expected. Nothing that comes from a cow should be left out on your counter for the weekend...
My suspicions are further aroused by some more reviews:
Why can't we buy this *used* online? Last week I purchased "To Kill a Mockingbird" online thru Amazon and saved 90% off of the cover price. Amazon should allow people to sell USED Tuscan Milk online via Paypal. It would be much more economical for those of us who can't afford new milk.
 For months after my wife gave birth to our infant son, I would be frequently overtaken by fits of jealousy. Her ability to breastfeed drove me to the brink of despair. "Why," I thought, "should she alone have the privilege to nourish our child with this life-giving elixir through her breast?"
This inspired me to take action. I would not sit idly by in the face of nature's cruel inequality. After months of searching, I found exactly what it was I needed: On Amazon.com, Tuscan Whole Milk. 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz.
To my dismay, injection of 64 fl oz (294 syringefuls) of this product into each of my breasts did NOT have the desired effect of giving me the ability to lactate. Instead, it caused severe hemorrhaging and pain. 
My favourite:

Sure, it's white, it's cold, and it's nutritious. But how can you ignore the Tuskan oppression of innocent Jawas who just want to make a modest living recycling droids and other scrap metal? Join the Tuskan boycott!

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